Young Melodrama

act 1 + 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔...

_____• ° ○ ✦ • ʏᴏᴜɴɢ ᴍᴇʟᴏᴅʀᴀᴍᴀ • ✦ ○ ° •_____

Lately I've been thinking about the end of me. I shouldn't. But I can't help it, since I'm left with myself and a defeaning silence from everyone else. I wonder what will make the curtains of my life close. Getting hit by a bus? A fall down the stairs? Sleeping on a pile of homework and not waking up? Shivved by strangers in a dark alley? And even though it happens at an old age, it is never really the end like they always say. It continues on an unknown plane and all we leave on this earth is our legacy or a bunch of fucked up things we did.

My dad's legacy is his marriage to my mom; which ended years ago, this house, being part of the Creedlane high American football team that gave Creedlane its first-ever win, and I guess... me. But is that enough? Maybe for this town to remember him by, but for me? What happens if more things occur, things bigger than his presence that didn't make a stand? What happens when days race by, memories fade away and my biggest fear is not remembering his face? And there's nothing I can do because he left early, not leaving much to hold on to.

I know I shouldn't think about it. Amerie would say I'm overthinking. Mom would probably say I should keep it to myself and not spread the negativity. Jimmy would worry, but still compliment my imagination. Imagination. He makes it sound normal. And Billy... if he listens to what I say. Our conversations revolve around him, and it's better that way.

I thought the silence concerning myself when I'm around him will make me think less about myself, but it didn't. I wonder about myself, about these thoughts on days like this. Maybe if I try to accept the thoughts they want me to have; the happy ones, hopeful ones, it might blur out the bad. But I know I have many dark clouds in my mind.

I just hope for a good day, that's all. It rained today; that's a good sign. But my phone ringing since six a.m filled with missed calls from my mom is not a great one. I wish I could just sleep back while the rain continues drizzling. I can't. My phone has been ringing since, pulling me back to reality from every dream I've been having, and I don't dream a lot.

I have been staring at the poster of the fourth season of Just the Guy with a Duck! for quite some time. Jimmy is wearing Guy's regular yellow shirt and blue jeans while standing behind a yellow abstract background. He is pointing his index finger with a huge smile on his face and a wink. My gaze move to one of his popular quotes written above his head. You can do it! I sigh, knowing I can't. I throw my hand at my phone under the pillow and bring it out. My excuse to mom is that the rain continues to drizzle, and I'm looking for an umbrella.

I open my phone, scratching my head, while I'm filled with a sudden anticipation of new messages from him. Billy doesn't text back on Instagram, worried someone might see when scrolling through his phone. But I had to text him, since he hasn't said something in almost a week. He hasn't picked up or called back. I'm not good with his silence. It haunts me, allowing the expression of thoughts that makes me wonder if I have a meaning to him.

I don't ponder on it much. I exit the app and head to the disappearing messages' app he insisted we use. Billy ensured communication with this, but he hadn't said anything since I sent my last message. I hit the refresh button because it takes time for the app to load new messages. I stare at the word 'connecting' above, hoping that a notification will come in and clear out that empty feeling I took to bed last night.

No new messages.

I head to my messages app to check for new messages there, straying away from the thoughts that he might be ignoring me. I tell myself it's a big might. Messages from Amerie, Mom, people from school who didn't know I existed. No message from Jimmy. Still the same as yesterday and the day before. I hope he remembers what today is. His last message was about him promising to come, which means he kept it in mind and will come today. I hope he does. I should go take a shower and get ready before Mom decides to enter the rain and drag me out herself.