Stones to Abbigale

Chapter 3

Briefly after I fell asleep that night I had a dream about Abbi, it was the first dream I had ex- perienced in some time.

I'm not normally the type of person to be deeply impacted by dreams as more often than not I can control them. I can recognize the fact that I'm in a dream and twist things around so that whatever is making me afraid becomes afraid of me. This tactic however could not possibly work in this soon-to-be nightmare, as there was no living monster waiting around the corner. There was no emotion in this machine that was about to reveal itself to me. I could only watch without a physical form. I was just a helpless spectator in my own mind.

The dream began without any sound; only a deep hum accompanying what appeared to be Abbi laughing in a field of what looked like gray grass from a far. As my view of her re- vealed more detail I began to realize that what I thought was grass was actually long slen- der claws. Experiencing a more alarmed spectrum of emotion, the audible hum cut out and was replaced by Abbi's screams. The sounds echoed bouncing off the walls of my mind splitting me in two and engulfing the core my being.

She was not forming any words in her screams and I began to understand why the more I analyzed every detail. I shifted my perspective to a new angle. I was now above her look- ing down and could see the claws were pulling her into the ground. She showed no resis- tance to being dragged into the ground, she didn't even cry for help, she would only scream in pain as she slowly sank beneath the surface. I began to distinctly hear blades and gears violently turning just beneath her.

It's difficult to explain, but in her eyes I could see she didn't want to be saved as she genu- inely felt she had earned the suffering she was enduring. She believed she deserved to be ground up until there was nothing left.

Once she was pulled completely under I was finally given a physical form in the dream. Dropping from above I landed on the soil she disappeared in. I immediately dropped to my knees and began digging with my bare hands to get to Abbi. I was only inches deep be- fore the ground ripped open forcing me to jump back.

A deep canyon began to form central to where I had begun digging. The splitting and groaning quickly gained momentum. Ripping and screeching sounds erupted all around me as the earth divided before me at a now crippling rate. A hellish sight consumed my eyes as I looked down on the collapsing landmass below. Powerful machines wielding massive blades swung violently scraping dirt and rock with a sound so tremendous I could only faintly hear the screams of countless desperate humans below.

I quickly realized the terrified voices beyond the ripping blades were no illusion. Thou- sands of lives were being devoured in piles, no person among them begging for life rather, like Abbi, they screamed only from pain delivered not just by the roaring blades and gears, but their very existence itself. Suffering & consciousness had become one in the same.

I then woke up to my room filled with sunlight, but it could not change the darkness my dream left me with. I felt something inside me change, almost as if I had seen something I was never meant to and now had to find a way to lose the thick cloud freshly looming over my head.

It is as I said briefly before, I feel like a visitor here, like I'm in this world but not a part of it like everyone else. I study people and situations to find out how they work and sometimes my dreams fill in the emotions and thoughts I missed while I was awake.

Not having to go to school that day due to my suspension I decided to write a letter to Abbi. It read:

"When I look in your eyes... I at times feel a level of sadness I have never felt, as if we, de- spite barely knowing each other, have been apart for far too long.

When I talk to you it is like I am listening to a voice I've ached for yet haven't heard in a life- time. Every other experience I have with you seems familiar but at the same time, it hurts, like you would feel if you begged for something and only received it when you had already given up hope.

These feelings are all so strange and evolving at a rate that scares me as they are for some- one I am only just now truly getting to know.

Even with my brief presence in your life I've picked up on so much suffering and almost feel powerless to create any change. There are so many wounds, so many scars, so much I only know enough about to fear. I'm trying to understand.

Abbi, you have more pain in your life than I can imagine. I hear it in your voice, I see it in your eyes and in the way you move. I just want to see you smile without there being an ocean wall of tears behind your eyes.

I want to hear everything you have to say. I want to find a way to heal the damage done un- til you can forget it ever existed."

I sent the letter to her email address, moments later the phone rang. Answering the phone I heard Abbi's voice on the other end. "Hey, can you meet me at the Quick Shop?" she asked. I responded, "Did you see my email?" she replied "Nope, why didn't you just call?" I said, "It would've been really hard to say over the phone, I had to find the words." She re- plied, "Ok, I'll look and then I'll head over." I then confirmed "Sure, see you there".

Shortly after, I got dressed and skated over to meet her. I arrived quickly, thanks to what seemed to be a record speed for me. However once I arrived I found myself waiting for someone who now had no intention of meeting me. I could only assume I had just made myself look like a huge jerk to her. I attempted to call her from the nearby payphone and she didn't answer.

As I skated home, in my mind, I went through the letter I wrote over and over. I began to blame myself, concluding based on her absence that I must have dug too deep too fast. I scared her away because I reacted on the emotions I experienced in that dream before ac- tually considering the human being on the other side of the letter.

I felt like I was just about finally connect with someone only to ruin everything at the last minute.