𝐇𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐀𝐍, guy germaine (✓)

03. the brutality of yearning

july 5th, 2009

dear guy,

missing you is brutal.
it's been ten years, but i suppose one never gets over their first love. i wanted you to be my last. i suppose you are, since i am betrothed to a man that i neither love nor like.
charlie resents me. that's always been a problem with charlie. resentment, i mean. i remember in high school when he had that ridiculous fight with adam over some silly varsity debacle.
i think charlie is angry at me because i left. i loved him, too, and all the ducks, but i never confided in them the way i did in you, so they never knew what i hid. because of that, charlie probably thinks i just haven't talked to him for the sake of it. that i abandoned him. i hate that he thinks that.
i nearly reached out to him yesterday. i gave him a call, but it only went to voicemail, and i got scared like a little girl running away from a cat. i wonder if he's married. i never did think linda was good for him. none of us did. but i hope he's happy doing whatever it is he does. he was a good one.
i went to goldberg's deli the other day to pick up some stuff for dinner. i thought i'd see him there, and my heart ached at the thought, but instead, there was a little boy at the cash register who looked exactly like him. i guess he's goldberg's kid. i almost broke down sobbing before i could buy the salami.
after my short grocery run, i went out to the park and saw averman with his wife, all grown up. he has the same glasses, though. i looked up and our eyes met, and a flicker of recognition sparked in his pupils, i swear. maybe it was a trick of the light. i waited for him the rest of the day at that park, wondering if he would go around for another lap and i'd catch a glimpse of him again, maybe say hello. but i never did see him again.
i wonder what i would've done if that was you instead of averman. i wonder what i would've done if i saw you arm-in-arm with a wife.

love, gracie.