𝐇𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐀𝐍, guy germaine (✓)

06. kicking and screaming

august 20th, 2009

dear guy,

david and i fought today. usually, we exchange stiff conversations at the dinner table and perhaps share kisses and embraces that taste and feel sour. when we fight, we never resolve it, and rather ignore each other for a couple of weeks.
but today, it was a real fight. apparently, father had proposed the idea that david and i should start having children. david told me about this tonight as i was getting ready for bed, and he seemed as if i should be as ready to reproduce as i was ready to slip on my nightgown.
i whipped my head around to face him and told him no.
he yelled at me.
i told him it was my body, and i could do with it as i pleased, and he could not make me bear children if i was not ready to do so.
he pushed me.
it didn't hurt, but my eyes burned with such rage and fury that i nearly pushed him back. nearly.

i locked myself in the bathroom and cried after david had fallen asleep. i didn't really cry, not real tears, but i rather made ugly, strangled noises that resembled sobs. i know mother wouldn't have ever let this happen to me. mother was kind and sweet and loving. i always thought her name fit her. daisy. it just sounded right. the right amount of syllables, the right noises. it was perfect. she was perfect.
but mother is dead now. and all i am left with is the husk of her memories and two terrible men. mother would not have let this happen to me.

if you were here, guy, would you have let this happen to me? i know you wouldn't.

i wonder if you ever understood why you were so special to me. why you still are. i guess i never explained it, rather looked at you, perhaps, in a way that would have said all the words silently. but guy, nothing in this world has ever belonged to me. everything is under careful control and adorned with gold and riches. but you were mine. and i was yours. the beauty of that, to me, was striking. and so i held you in my arms as long as i could before i was dragged away, kicking and screaming.

i should have fought harder.

love, gracie.