The Story of Us

Chapter 1

Most relationships start the same.

At least, that's what I hear.

Mine started a little differently.

We didn't meet in class. I didn't giggle incessantly when he asked to borrow a pencil. I didn't meet him at the movies. No turning around suddenly and soaking his pants in sticky soda.

Among other things on that list, I didn't dump a bucket of popcorn on his head either. See, my first love had come and gone. My past isn't one I wish to retell. However, I will leave you with some advice.

Ladies? The way to a man's heart is not to inevitably send him to the hospital. You must take a softer approach. They don't like things thrown at them, like, at all.

Most importantly, your cat likes to be cuddled. The cat does not want to be thrown at another person you are having a disagreement with. It might seem like the judge will have a good sense of humor about stuff like that...trust me, he doesn't and neither will Mr. Cuddles.

No. A way to a man's heart is to wait for him to fall from a cliff.

Also, I'm not being hypothetical. I mean from a literal cliff.

Yes, a real one. Make sure it's tall. That's how I met the second love of my life; although, it was a different sort of love. However, it isn't my damn fault Mr goat pretender decided to go trekking around the Montana cliffsides before a heavy snowstorm came through.

Found him at the bottom of some cliffs I did; in a long sheep coat.

I almost clubbed him because I was hungry and hunting. He gave me quite the fright...wait, what was I talking about again?

Oh...

Right...

Girls, this is important. If you spot the one, do not PUSH him down the cliff. You are not Anne Dugan from Stephen King's Misery and if you're going for the romantic image, I guarentee one hundred percent that it will not look like Westley or Buttercup rolling down an embankment after one another.

Sadly, it will be you looking down and watching him pop every bone possible out of their sockets.

I didn't push five star, just want to be very clear on that. I found him long AFTER he came to a stop at the bottom.

It was easily a few hours later just based on his injuries alone. He was in bad shape and when I say bad; I mean the opposite of good. Okay – let's set the scene here.

Here's me.

Hi. *waves*

I'm going along my merry way as I normally do when I need to find food. A hunting gun in one hand and a knife with fishing gear in the other.

Yeah, no grocery stores around here guys; I live out in the plains. I built a house underground in three different cave caverns and lived three years in them since.

Why?

I don't want to bore you with too many details but, the townsfolk aren't that welcoming to an outsider. Especially if said outsider was involved in some unfortunate circumstances.

I don't normally bring myself down but, to paint a clear picture?

Deadpool reject me and the Phantom of the Opera would lend me his mask. I am without a doubt the person you call to get your kids to behave by telling them Freddy Kruger's sister is going to visit them and then show them a picture of my face. Trust when I say, Freddy would be the more attractive brother.

Too hard?

Yeah, five-star would probably agree with you.

The funniest thing of all? Is this love didn't start out as most would expect. It doesn't even unfold how most do. Harry Styles hated me at the beginning.