to my first love

hurting

the thought of you
keeps me all night
my mind races
in hopes of catching up to you
but it never does
so i'm always tired-
tired of thinking about you

you didn't appreciate my presence enough
but maybe you will
once you feel my absence

i'm just the girl
that should've moved on
a long time ago

- before i became someone who you despise

our attachment
quickly turned into resentment
who knew
us not being able to let go
would end up
tearing us apart

all i ever wanted
was an apology
but instead
you gave me another lie
wrapped in manipulation

- the only gift you've ever given me

just so you know, you broke your promise to always be there for me. you promised we would always be in each other's lives. "we're for life," is what you vowed to me, because before it had gotten complicated, our friendship was stronger than ever. the words, i love you had became our 'goodbye' before we fell in love. that's why you told me that you'd always love me. after all, you had never loved anyone until me.

the sun that shines on my face
isn't as warm as your love
but just like the sun
i get burned sometimes
and it's the same sun
that comforts and heals me

my body goes through withdrawals
when you're not near me
i crave your voice
your scent
your touch
your love is the best high i've ever felt
and you filled me with it
then drained me until i was empty
until i was nothing

i feel lonely
even with my body
right next to yours
but i can't leave you alone
i guess i'd rather feel
lonely with you
than lonely without you

like day and night
my love for you is constant
our good moments
hug me with warmth
while the bad ones
surround me with darkness

you manipulated me
into thinking that i was hurting you-
that i was using you-
so i begged for your forgiveness
every single time
but as soon as i reacted
you made me out
to be the villain
i don't understand
how it was so easy to embarrass me
and belittle my feelings
yet be so in love with me
from the outside looking in
i was your puppy dog
but the version of you only i saw
was gentle, caring, goofy, and affectionate
this game- you knew how to play too well
because no matter how you played
it always ended with me losing

jokes filled with insulting words leave your mouth just as regularly as breathing, and when they do, you expect the same reaction from me every time. when i do react, you yell at me and call me a crybaby, so i stopped reacting. you'd try your hardest to provoke and manipulate me, and i did whatever i could to hold back the tears that wanted so badly to be seen. i grew tired of promising myself that i'd never cry in front of you again, since you thought i was too sensitive. so now, i fake every smile, and hide every emotion, because you've caused me to put up a barrier around my heart that you'll never be able to take down again.

i remember everything you said
out of anger
because that's when your true colors
had come to light
and i was no longer in the dark
you'd say you didn't mean it
but those words were so heavy
they held so much weight
i can still feel them on my shoulders
i don't think you realized
how powerful they were
because when they were spoken to me
they went in one ear
but never came out of the other

- those words will stick with me forever

i don't think you'd notice
if i left today
maybe after a few days pass
you'd begin to wonder where i am
although, nothing would change
because you don't care enough to let it
at least that's what you tell people
if only they knew
that your actions don't match up
with your words
because behind closed doors
your words were like
music to my ears
but your actions were like
knives cutting me over
and over again

when i think of you
i don't think of our hugs
like i used to
when i think of you
i don't think of the good
moments we have been through

instead, i look into your eyes
and all I see is the mask
you used as a disguise
i thought i was in love
but all i feel now is despise
because who you portrayed to be
was the first of your many lies
but it's okay
because i have realized
that another love grows
right after one dies
and that is the love i have for myself
so it was worth our love's demise
one day you will regret
being the reason why i always cry
because little do you know
you just lost the winning prize
i know my worth
and i am not something to be compromised
so never again will i ignore the bad
and let the good keep me hypnotized