to my first love

healing

and now
i'm left searching for myself
because you took me apart
piece by piece
with no intention of making me whole again
you broke me
so i must fix myself

how could you act
like i mean nothing to you?
after i gave you
every single piece of me
did you suddenly forget
about everything we've been through?
i considered myself a winner
for being loved by you
and up until you left
i never would've thought i'd lose
i miss our talks, our laughs, and our hugs
but sadly, this is something
we can never go back to

- i guess i better get used to being strangers

i wholeheartedly believe
that we will find our way
back to each other

your memory
lingers in every single part of me
my body was claimed by you once
so now it will always be yours

the old you
haunts me like a spirit
some nights
i can feel your presence
holding me tightly
i begin to dream
about all that you were-
all that we were
suddenly, i awake
when the fear of you
not being next to me anymore
rushes over me
i look around the room in a panic
then the realization of your absence hits
and i'm left laying in the empty bed
pretending that you're holding me again

i don't think i'll ever get over you
you've left a mark on my body
and now i'll never be the same

if i had the opportunity
to love you once again
i'd love you so sweetly
as if you were sugar
so patiently
as the moon is
when waiting for the sun
and so deeply
like the ocean of tears
that i've cried for you
since our last 'goodbye'

the love i have for you
grows weaker and weaker
as each day passes by
soon, i won't think about you
every morning when i wake up
or every night when i go to sleep
soon, i'll be able to listen to the songs
that reminds me of you- of us
i find comfort in thinking
that our love story is not over yet
but until we fall in love once again
i will shower myself with the love
that i gave you
and when i get the chance to love you again
i will appreciate every moment
and cherish every memory
and we will have enough love
to last a lifetime

i still cry every time i see you
all of our memories come flooding back
like a bathtub soon to be overflown
once there's no more room
the water has no choice but to show itself
as do my tears
when my brain can't take anymore
memories of how we used to be
and fantasies of how we could've been

just when i think
i've gotten over you
i suddenly find myself
missing you- missing us
my mind wants to be happy
for you, but my heart
wants to be loved by you

some days, i've accepted
the present for what it is
and moved on from the past
but others creep up on me
and pull me back
to where i started

- healing is not linear

there's so many
heavy untold thoughts
that fail to leave my mind
they already weigh in my shoulders
i couldn't bare to let you carry them, too
but what's even more strenuous
is this smile i struggle
to hold on my face
when you ask me,
"are you okay?"

i pretend like i'm not broken
even though i'm missing a piece of my heart
and that piece is you

you say,
"i'm still yours,"
but you aren't a part of me anymore
you say,
"i'll always be there for you,"
but i never see you anymore

all of these feelings i keep inside
become heavier and heavier
as does the bags that lay under my eyes
because all of these thoughts
keep me up at night

my mind is tired of overthinking
and my heart is tired of over-loving
but all of this, you will never understand
so i continue to put up my indestructible barrier
along with a mask to hide the truth
and you haven't noticed not one bit

we would always find our way
back to each other
but i don't think we will this time
i'll always have hope
that we'll meet again and fall in love
with the new versions of one another
but i cannot get so lost in that fantasy
that i don't come to terms with reality
i pray all of this pain
leads into something amazing
i miss you like crazy
but I'll get over it and move on
i suppose you already did

today, i had seen you
for the first time since we stopped talking
since we stopped checking in
on each other
and i could barely even look at you
i just walked right past you
without saying a word
even though i wanted so badly to say something
even just a smile from you would warm my heart
and give me all of the closure
that i've longed for
but i knew you wouldn't speak to me
so i didn't either
and it killed me- having to act like strangers
after everything we've been through
and the moment we locked eyes
felt like the first time all over again
because no matter how much time goes by
the memories of us are forever
and they will never be forgotten

i never thought i'd live
to see you happy with someone else
to think that i'd be able
to reminisce about our time together
and smile
not cry or send you
an 'i miss you' text
just smile without having any regrets-
it's a bittersweet feeling

thank you
for loving me

- it's her turn now