AuDHD Book

What I've discovered about myself.

This is just gonna be w/e comes in my head first/what I remember relating w/ when i would do adhd or autism deep dives of research. I don't know how I went down the rabbit hole of figuring out I have adhd, but the autism rabbit hole happened cuz of MHA/BNHA and the fact i'm interested in other neurodivergent- erm things (im sorry idk how to explain smtms) & disabilities it's just been a huge rabbit hole.  Now I'll start listing things i've noticed. I'll separate/organize it later. (this'll prob be mostly if not all of an ASD post while the next/a leter edit on this will be the ADHD)

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Toe walking. I used to toe walk aLOT when I was younger to the point that I would have pains when I'd walk 'normally' and I had to go to an orthopedic doctor & get inserts (tho i h8ed wearing them so i wouldn't unless forced) and had to get those like- special rubber band things to help stretch out the muscles.

Rocking. I literally rock so much especially when I'm like reading something on my phone or laptop or writing while im in my room & i like- zone out(??) ig and i start rocking back & forth then i'll start coming back and realize i'm rocking & i'll either keep going till i annoy myself or i'll slow down & stop. (Sometimes i'll just stop all together.)

Chewing/sucking. Ok i've literally been chewing/sucking on things since I was a baby. I would suck on my index & middle fingers all the time! I don't think I stopped till I was like 7 not sure. But even then when I wasn't/now that I don't I will put alm anything in my mouth/chew on it. Like my dad would alws say 'Why do you have that in your mouth? Get that out!' I would answer with 'Idk?' Just the other week I took the spray bottle (we have cats for ref) and i took the opposite side where the water is and i just started to chew on it. Pic for ref;

What plp like to call the t-rex pose. Do you know Tsu? Yea that one pose she does. This is the pose fer yall who dk;

Hand flapping. Yall ever saw a penguin flap their wings ? Well i do that but like- 100x's faster when i'm very happy/excited. Especially with some of my special interests- (ahem mha) I love the Dadzawa/SonIzu trope like- -intensely hand flaps w/ a stupid smile to get my point across-

Special interests. Yea I have aLOT of those. Some (note i said some since this post isn't ab them rn) is, MHA, writing, singing, research, ect...

My speech/mannerisms.  So I did talk early and I could talk forever if someone let me. I jump thro rabbit holes w/ my mom all the time. We jump thro like 20 diff convos in like 1hr. (well i found out she has ASD as i learn more ab it and try to see if she & my dad have it as well) But here's the thing, at the same time i can talk very quietly & it annoys my parents to death so they're alws telling me to speak up especially when i don't wanna.  But like around people idk I don't really like to talk and i'm shy. Im very ambiverted/omniverted. When I talk to someone my eye contact well- im not sure how to call it. Like ik when i'm in trouble/getting yelled at i do like 3 things. I either 1, stare in at the lips. 2, i'll look in the eyes and get uncomfortable and look at like the lips, or ground, or literally anywhere else. 3, Again look anywhere else mostly a wall to my side or behind the one yelling or staring at my feet/the ground. When I talk I can talk very fast. I didn't realize that was normal until like-late Elm/Primary-early middle school cuz there's this one convo that replays thro my head that my ex-frds mom said to my once  and the pieces started clicking.

Growing up. As I was growing up I never really had many friends I was always told it was my fault. And y'k maybe some of it was. But also some of it wasn't It's just who I was/am. But and have a good handful of friends i'm close-ish to. Look don't at me for this  part cuz 1 I haven't seen in 6 yrs and havent been able to talk to him in 2 (3 in may) yrs and another frd havent been able to talk to or see in 6 yrs. And another lives in another state and ive never actually got to meet her yet. I met her thro my dad. And jumping back to the not having frds thing when i was younger i was manipulated and bullied into making a decistion I can't forget & I wish I could go back in time & change it (read hindsight to learn more) but unfortunately i can't. So I find it hard to get close to/trust others. I'm always watching the situation as much as possible but there's time i just- can't.

Let's circle round back to stims & other stuff cuz ik ima go off topic. I spin (all the time -_- but like- :)) I bite my lip alot or pick/pull at it. For that matter i also pick/bite my nails but i've been trying to grow them out (for a 3rd time within alm 2 yrs).  When I'm standing since i can't rock i'll sway side to side.  I also like to just pace around sometimes. I also crack my bones alot especially my finger/knuckles and wringing my hands. I actually have quiet a bit of tactile stimming but let's switch to some visual stimming; well this one might be a bit of tactile too, i like to swing things around like a grocery bag or purse & just watch them go back & forth. At times when i'm in the mood i'll watch my nightlight (look dont at me for thst either. i've slep w/ one for so long i can't sleep w/ out it & it's very dark in my room w/o it) switch colors automatically (it has 7 settings. honestly i'm not sure they make it anymore i'll check & if so i'll show the pic otherwise i'll prob just use my own) it's nice sometimes. Idk if this next thing is a visual stim or not but ive noticed that plenty of times i like to stare until w/e im staring at blurs or my eyes cross on their own. i'm not quiet sure abot my visual stims. I also dk if i have any olfactory stimming unless you wanna count me just randomly sniffing things for no reason at all while my mom looks at me like 'wth are you doing?' While i answer 'Don't look at me like that idk y i'm smelling it.'

As i'm looking thro a stimming list to help me realize wut i do i've realized eating raw pasta is and eating stim. I thought I liked to do it because it was a tradition my mom started w/ me like her & her mom.  Ig a couple others would be running my tongue across my teeth & eating spicy/sour food i thought i just liked spicy food cuz my dad. -shrugs-  W/ auditory and/or verbal stimming i have quiet a bit of those as well. Listening to songs repeatedly Even so much so I'll repeat them to the point i annoy myself. I top 3 songs i find my self repeating are: You Can't Hide by CK9C, Dance to Forget by TryHardNinja, & A Thousand Years by Christina Perri. I also repeat a lot of voice lines. Especially when I do smth stupid I use Lolbit's voice lines. I use the 'HAHAHAHA!! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I can't h-h-h-help but laugh at your stupidity!!' & I also do the, 'O-o-oooh, Yi-yi-yi-yikes! That one was worse than listening to people debate my gender!!' (i have my own opinions about Lolbit's gender but I won't be sharing that for another few yrs to the public. {-mumbles: im gonna get so much back lash.- -smh-}) when i do or say something stupid. I also often use the 'Hey Bonbon! G-go get em!!' for literally no reason. And a few more would be always mumbling, humming, singing.

I'm leave all this at that for now. & I'll use another chapter for the ADHD things i've discovered.