Real Vows

Chapter 2 - What's on the line?

    The sun sinks into the horrisons as the darkness now fills my room like every other day, I sigh sitting down on my bed. wondering of all the things in my life. Earth, Water, Fire, Air and Space, all the things that a human is made of. One world dies another is born, the repeat in history isn't by mistake it's done by the same spirit. Many believe recarnation isn't real, but it is. I believe in it. Why? because when Christians believe in Heaven and Hell, they are given one chance to prove themselves. In Sikhism, buddhism and Hindism the smilarity is that in reincarnation, our spirit makes a promise to God that we want to go and experience this life in the condition that we will always remember the creator, God. So what happens when we don't, we go through a version of Hell before ending up in Earth again, where the spirits Kaljug and Maya try to get us traped in their hallusinations, so that we as humans think all that we have is here. Only when we are pure again do we really do back. Sometimes all this is too much to understand or even process, because what we are is spirits what we are kept in is our bodies. For dealth is inevitable.
    There is always debate within religion and beleifs. Though what people don't see is that the problem isn't the religion or belief but the way humans present it to others. Treating religion with disrespect, like a joke, pick and choosing what they want to take from it while the rest. The rest is forgotton, lost and hidden away. Those with power will continue to wield it to brainwash others into becomign a god themselves, but that ultimately puts them in greed. Doesn't it? I do recall learning in Religion Class, the time of Enlighenment back in 1685 when the people fought the Church when they realised they were getting lied to, half the things they told weren't true. Again the religion was never the problem the people in power were but what happened instead? People grew hate on the religion. Who is right and who is wrong? That depends on perspective. Who I am even, isn't garenteed if I were to take my last breaths now because i'm insignificant. A figment of reality in which many won't bother to understand, because honestly who had the time, right? We all have our lives but that doesn't mean we should be self absorbed, does it? Does the insignifance bother people and make them fearful of losing everything? often people think Why did I do this? Who did I do this for? Who do I have left? How did this happen to me? When did I lose myself? What is going on? What is going to happen? Where will I go after I die? Will anyone care about me? How come they only care when I'm dead? In a day an average person asks 25 to 30 questions. Might seem alot, might seem like nothing. For a toddler, since their knowlegde is even smaller then most of ours, they ask rouhgoly 400 questions revolving aroudn 'WHY' about everything around them to understand it's purpose. In some stage it begins to grow socielly unexpectable to answer these questions infront of others in fear of what they may thing. I am those people. I let myself fall into this never endng doom of my selfpity. Thoughts, actions, feeling, vulnerabilty. There is so much covered and so much discovered. what is the lie and what is the truth cannot just be verified with scientifical proof. That's my opinion though. Others will disagree, ofcource.

    My chest tingles as I take a deep breath, "Fuck." I mutter opening my draws finding the bottle of pills I had stored. Where is it? Come on, come on yes. I fumble with the bottle opening the lid about to take one when my door opens. I quickly place them under my pillow watching my mother come into my room.
    "Hello mama." I smile.
    "What are you doing?" She asked curiously.
    Think fast, "I was going to get up and get some water." I shrug.
    "What were you doing before then?"
    "Laying on my bed doing my work," I motion to my laptop.
    "What work?"   
    "Maths."
    "Then where is your book?" She crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows.
    "In my bag, that's outside. Where I was heading to." I paused again like it was obvious, "after I got water."
    "Are you lying to me?"
    "No." I reply.
    "You sure?"
    "Yes mama." I sigh, "You all good?"
    "Fine." she leaned against the open door motioning for me to leave and get my water. I get of the bed stretching waiting for her to impatiently leave like usual but she stays leaving me no choice. I slip my slippers on walking to the kitchen, my mom following close behind. I slowly pour the filtered water into my small blue plastic cup we had when we were kids, the feeling of nostalgic running over my head at the thought.
"Where were you today?"
"School mama, why?"
"You have a missing attendance for the fourth and fifth period today. Explain that." She arched her eyebrows, looking at me with pinched eyes but my face scrunches up with confusion.
"I was at school though."
"Are you sure?" her voice wavered.
"Yes mama, how can I even lie to you. You literally track me everywhere anyways." She hummed in response.
"You give me so much worry," she sighed leaning on the counter as I finish the glass placing it down to the side.
"Mama.." I try.
"No just concentrate on your studies and prove them all wrong. You succeeding will be like a slap to their face."
"I know mama, I know." I sigh. "I'll fix it, the teachers can easily redo it on their system."
"Amira, you give me so much tension." She replied again absentmindedly scrolling on the school app looking for anything else, "tomorrow go check with all the teachers and get it fixed. Okay? You have free for the next 2 periods, I'll pick you up later at 9:30 by then I want everything to be finished."
"Okay mama, okay." I nod walking out into the corridor back inside my deadly lair. Jokes. I'm going to my bedroom.
I shake the pill out swallowing the dry chewy capsule, the drug making me feel a bit high as I smile. Ugh what a life. Everything is so much easier when you're not the one doing it. Ugh. Let's do this shit shall we. Wait what was going to do? Oh yes. Maths arithmetic and geometric sequence who doesn't love that. Amara said sarcastically. Ew can't believe I said that in third person. Wait it is third person...right? Yeah, yeah it is. Okay. I'm not okay. Shut up brain.
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Tuesday, 4th period.
The took the bell away for some reason making many students late to the next class, thankfully I came in time for religion. Mrs Jones, lovely teacher with a positive personality, something about her just makes you do your work. That just sounded stupid, oh well. My stomach growls as I try to internally squeeze myself so that the noise would reduce, to no avail, instead the noise heightened. Gosh that's embarrassing. Everyone can hear you, they are all staring, I can hear it. They must think I'm so fat, ugh why did I have to starve myself. I don't think having a full breakfast counts as starving myself, maybe I'm used to being a fatass. Everyone knows, the girl with the red lipstick knows, the girl with the brown fluffy hair is glancing at me. Okay deep breaths, okay bad idea, bad idea now I sound like I can't breathe properly. They must all think I'm too fat to breathe properly. Their eyes are staring at me, every little thing I do, it's recorded in their minds in their lives, in mine mostly. They all hate me don't they. Ugh it's all over their face. Don't look, just concentrate on the teacher, and take a slow breath. Fuck can't breathe. Shit. Okay and slowly out. There we go- oh no. Shit my nose stopped working. Okay slowly bit your lip so that people think you're paying attention and concentrating and not breathing through your mouth, slowly. I clear my throat looking around making sure no one is looking. Stay calm and don't care about the rest, I got this. Fuck when will my nose work again. Stupid shit can't even be reliable. Maybe it's because of all these people I can't do shit. It's always happens in a close space too, when I'm outside it's fine, it's also cold.
I watch as everyone starts to get up and pack away their books and laptops, as I do the same, thankfully the teacher get's the hint and motions for us to continue and leave. Many won't be so kind. Okay what is the best route out of here. I follow a bunch of people walking in a single file as we exit through the tight glass doors which is just enough space for a single person to exit through. My friends aren't here today, one is just not dependable when it comes to school while the other is off on a doctor's appointment, that leaves one other Ivy.
Ivy joined last year near the start of year 11 as did couple others, at first everyone ignored her but I noticed she looked like she could use of some company. I remember leaving my two friends as they went off campus to get something from the supermarket, walking over to the black-haired girl who was slouched over the table glancing at her laptop. Don't remember much about our conversation but I recall asking her to join us. By that it's only 3 of us but that's okay, some don't even have any, so this is still better. If she so wished to join someone else then so be it. Her brown eyes filled with curiousity and awkwardness at our first exchange, thankfully changed on our bus trip the next day. We were going off to Year 11 camp, as a team bonding experience of whatever, when I boarded the bus I saw Ivy siting already while my friends followed soon after. I decided to ask if I could sit next to her, to which she agreed, right beside us as the front of the bus was two more spare seats, to which my friends filled up. I talked with Ivy for a little bit getting to know her more before I officially introduced her to my two other friends. They both were more than eager to part-take in this friendship, and I just remember feeling all the more happy that I was able to boost her confidence a little if not more. Sometimes the little things in life make the greatest of changes. To that I'd say can lead to either a positive or negative experience depending upon the way you feel and think it to be.
I open my locker going to grab my sandwiches placed inside the plastic ziplock bag quickly shoving my books in but keeping my iPad with me. I get up so that the other guy, whose locker is on top of mine can get his food. He is prolly one of the nicest people, in manners but that's practically most of the guys I've seen here. They all are stupid, sure but not dumb or naive to the point they aren't away. I walk into the senior area upstairs siting on the couch tables eating silently beside Ivy. She's watching this video on ThouPipe about why our bodies are incapable of digesting metal, I would say I'm weirded out but I'm lowkey impressed someone made a video for it. Anything for likes I suppose. Maybe I should become a ThouPiper, at least I'll make money since I'm too young to be a stripper anyways. That is the last choice if everything else fails. Hope not but also won't mind, maybe I'll get a rich husband. I'm dreaming to high.
We start talking in silence about our friends and life in general, it's always relaxing talking with Ivy, maybe it's her monotone voice in every situation that I've grown to adapt to. I check the time, realising it's the end of lunch meaning Ivy and I have Math's class we should both be heading. I motion for her to get up and we walk to her locker when I say,
"I'll save us a spot, ya?" She barely nods as I walk down the hall. What if I fell right now in-front of everyone, that would be so embarrassing. I reach my lockers but 2 tall black guys and a smaller brown guy are talking with each other. The brown guy being the same locker guy I was talking about earlier, the taller ones are a long history back, the smaller one code name is Drama Queen while the taller one is Butterfly. The brown one is just Swatik. He isn't that special, his sister though is pretty nice. Kinda wished I got her SwiftUM before, wait maybe I can stalk Swatik's account and find his sister's account. I don't even follow Swatik though. Too many problems oh well I'll do it later.
Thankfully the boys realise my presence and move out of the way as they silently gesture to the other. This is what I mean when the guys are nicer here, they won't just start talking to you randomly. Wait that might have to do with me accidentally rejecting Butterfly a while back. That's a story for next time.