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Chapter Four: Square Zero

Two Years Prior to Present Day - Day 30 in Rehab Facility

Nurse Joy was her escape on some days. Escape from her obsessive thoughts. Escape from her room. Contact with people at least made her feel like she had a connection with the world outside of the facility. The place didn't feel like it was supposed to help some days and felt more like a prison or way to make people feel ashamed because they needed help.

Today, Olivia was having an especially difficult time. Not only was she home sick, she worried that when she returned her family and friends wouldn't want to be around her. She assumed that they were having an easier time with her away because they didn't have to worry about the embarrassment.

"Your turn," Nurse Joy called out, shaking the teen out of her daydream. "You've been disassociating a lot more recently. What's on your mind?"

"I'm fine," Olivia answered, shaking her head to clear the rest of the pestering thoughts. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

"Because you aren't letting those thoughts out," Joy continued, putting another card on the building pile.

"I talk to the counselor. I get them out," she replied dryly.

The nurse had been visiting with her more often when she noticed Olivia was beginning to show signs of depression. Not that Olivia was a smiling ball of sunshine when she arrived, she was just more verbal then.

"I sure hope so because there is no help in bottling them all up for no one else to hear," the nurse added. "Trust me, that's going to do nothing but lead to a relapse and then you'll be right back where you started."

Olivia silently threw two cards on the deck. Words hadn't been coming easy. She didn't know what she was supposed to say because the people she wanted to talk to were unavailable to her. On top of withdrawal symptoms making her feel ill most days.

"How long do the withdrawal symptoms last," Olivia questioned.

"There's no timeline on that but eventually your body will get used to life without pills or alcohol," Joy said with a small smile. "Mine lasted for weeks. The worst of it was those first two weeks then I just felt extreme anxiety."

The teen nodded, "Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

Hugging the blanket closer to her body to shield her from the chilly winds, Olivia thought about how she wanted to ask the question without it resulting in them having her on watch, "What makes you want to live? Like how...how do you keep going after all this?"

Joy placed her cards down, frowning at Olivia with concern, "Do I need to make a report, Miss Baker? Because I'm not about to let you leave this place when you have so much more life to live."

"No, I'm not saying I want to hurt myself. It's just hard to imagine life out there after all this stuff happened. How do I fix it? How do I stay good? I don't want my loved ones to end up hating me. They've told us enough about how families get torn apart because of addiction and I don't want that. My sister Layla must be so embarrassed of me right now," Olivia explained tearfully. "Because I know I have a bit more time here and I can't even imagine going back to normal after fucking up."

"Understanding what led you here and not worrying about things that haven't come true yet. You go home with the attitude you have now and you're setting yourself up for failure. You're filling your head with those things. And don't say you're being a realist. I'm tired of hearing you say that," Joy held up her finger when Olivia opened her mouth to speak. "You need to be honest with yourself. You know your family better than anyone. Do you truly think they'll do that to you or is this some image you've made up in your head? Once you figure that out, things will be a lot easier."