Relapse

Chapter 1 and 2

Chapter 1:

I walk to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I suddenly felt the urge to relapse.. to see the sharp object drag along my skin. Fuck, what was I thinking? I recovered a year ago. But I needed to cut, to see blood running down my wrist. I couldn't resist anymore. I pic up the blade and cut at least ten deep cuts into my left arm. What the hell have I done? I think to myself as I drop the blade to the floor regretting my decision. I then realized that Jake had heard me. Shit. "Johnnie? What are you doing in there?" Fuck "I uh, nothing. Just uh... brushing my hair?" I say out of pure fear. What would happen if he just walked in. "Alright?..." he answers before he walks away from the bathroom and goes to the sofa.

I look down at my blood covered arms, why the hell did I do this. I'm so fucking fragile. Why the hell does Jake even want to be my friend? He could have anyone, he deserves someone better I think as I begin hulking at the thought. God, cutting hurts worse than I could remember. I grab the bandages from the top shelf and wrap it around my newly cutter scars. I didn't even have a good reason to do this.

I wear a hoodie so that Jake won't notice. I don't think I can do this. How the hell am I gonna hide something so obvious when we are this close, it's summer and it's hot- that means I'll have to explain why I'm still wearing long sleeved shirts. OH GOD. This was so fucking stupid! As I walk out of the bathroom I see Jake still sitting in the sofa, he looks over at me. I cross my fingers and hold that he doesn't notice my swollen eyes.

"Johnnie?" He says in a casual voice. "Yes?" I answer trying to stay as collected and calm as possible. I really hope he doesn't notice, please don't notice, please. "Johnnie.. have you been crying?" I don't answer. "Johnnie please answer me." "No- of course not. Why would I cry? I would never! I uh..." as I was trying to explain myself I could already tell he knew. He knew I had cried. "Please tell me what happened." He said. I really didn't want to answer so I just ended up trying to get to my room but before I could get that long he grabs my wrist and keeps me from walking away. "Ow fuck Jake" I say as I feel him pressing on the still bloody scars.

"What the fuck Johnnie!?" He says as he drags up my sleeve as he's met with bloody bandages. Fuck I got caught-

Chapter 2:

"Johnnie. You can't keep doing this." Jake says looking at me with a serious look in his eyes. I can tell he's worried, fuck I made him worry. I don't deserve to have someone who cares about me. I feel so bad. I sit down beside him as I silently sob into my palms. I can feel him wrapping an arm around my shoulder, stroking my arm ever so carefully. I feel so stupid as I sit here and cry like a child, I feel like a teenager again. As a teenager I cut myself a lot, this very moment brings me back to that awful time. "Johnnie, your zoning out again" I hear Jake says as I realize I haven't heard him talking to me.

"I'm fine i swear" I say "you don't need to worry, it was just a small episode." I assure him knowing it's far from the truth, as I really aren't okay. Far from okay. I'm doing shit honestly. I don't even have any fucking reason to feel this way, I've been depressed since I was 13 and now I don't really care because now it's "normal" I guess. It's okay because I'm used to it is what I tell people. As all these thoughts are wandering around my head I feel myself realizing how bad it really is. The anxiety, depression and the anger. I can't do this anymore.

"Johnnie are you sure..?" He says with little trust in the words I just spit out. "You can tell me anything you know." He says making sure I do know. He always tells me that I can always talk to him but I really wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on him, especially since he just got diagnosed with autism and he hasn't been feeling too good since. I'd rather not have him worry, but still. I know I should tell him, I should tell him I can't do this anymore. "I.." stops, I just stop myself from telling him. What if I regret it? What if he doesn't care?

"Tell me, it's okay." He tells me in a soothing voice. I finally find the courage to tell him. "I can't to this anymore-" I say bursting into tears again, I feel cold tears running down my face. I was planning on saying more but I couldn't. Fucking shit, I just confirmed that I am indeed fragile as hell. I can't even say a simple sentence without breaking. I feel myself shaking as he tightens his grip around my shoulder, making sure he doesn't touch any of the scars. I lay my head on his shoulder as I continue my crying.
He grips tighter and I can hear him silently crying. Wait what? Why is he crying. I look up to see him wiping the tears of his face.

"Jake what are you crying for?" I ask as i finally collect myself to some degree. He takes a deep breath before he starts to speak "it's just that it breaks me to see you like this. When we met I thought your depression would go away after a few months but it never did. And I just feel so sorry that you can never get out of it" "But Jake, that's none of your fault." I tell him hoping that he'll let it go knowing this conversation will be long.

"I.. it was some of my fault." He says "what the hell do you mean Jake?" I ask him wondering what his delulu ass has made up. "When your first told me you were depressed I just tried to avoid talking to you about it and before I knew it you were standing on the edge of the bridge. I- I should have helped you! But.. I didn't."

"Oh Jake. That's none of your fault. At the time we barely knew each other anyway"