Relapse

Chapter 9

Something was off about his behavior? I couldn't really seem to figure out just what. Of course I had seen him going through difficult stages of his live but then there was always and understandable explanation. This time I had no idea what was going on inside his head, I wish he would talk to me. I guess I could always just go ahead and ask him but I think I would be a bit too anxious to do that. But what of he really needed my help? What if he really isn't fine?

Fuck, I have to ask him I think as I get up from the couch and make my way to the door of his room. I stand in the hallway for a few seconds just to check if I can hear him. I knock on the door, "Johnnie can I come in?" I ask waiting for an answer. "Yea... sure."

Huh, weird I think as I grab the door handle and open it. He is sitting in his bed with a blanket over his lower body. "How are you?" I ask him, "I'm fine, why?". It seems he doesn't want me to worry, but honestly, him not telling me why makes me even more worried.

"You turned down food, you never turn down food Johnnie. Please I need to know what's wrong, I can't afford to lose you. You are my everything. Talk to me Johnnie, please." I say on the verge of tears. Fuck, keep it in, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"Oh- I just want to know... what are we? It's been stressing me out for the past couple of hours, that's why I turned down the food" Huh? What are we? "What do you want us to be?" I ask him.

"Boyfriends. I want us to be boyfriends." He says. "Should we maybe keep it down for some time, I don't think I would want to tell anyone yet. And yes, I want to be boyfriends". "I agree, I think we should wait and figure out how we feel and then start by telling our friends" he says. "Also, there is a party at Colby's if you'd like to go?" "Sure" he answers.

*

Tara's perspective:

TW: VOMIT

I just got to Colby's party, I'm still a bit surprised about the fact that Jake has a thing with Johnnie. I should have seen it coming. I grab a glass of wine from the bar, I hate the taste of wine but I don't care, I need to stop thinking.

It's quite the big party really, most of my friends are here. Normally I love going out but not today, fucking everything goes to hell. Jake doesn't love me anymore, and here I am, at a party I don't even want to be at. I begin to skim through the crowd and make my way to what seems to be the bathroom.

I need to breathe for gods sake, I feel as if I'm getting suffocated. I grab the door handle and rip the door open, and there I see, Jake and Johnnie making out. Fuck. Jake is pinning Johnnie to the wall, it hurts, I can't do this. I slam the door closed, normally when I catch people kissing or whatever at parties I apologize but I don't feel bad. I don't feel the need to apologize.

I make my way over to the host of the party, Colby. "I need to go-" I say as I basically run out of there. I feel tears forming in my eyes. Pain in my chest, everything hurts so, so bad. I feel as if I'm going insane, I need to throw up. I run over to the closest bushes and vomit, not caring that I get it in my hair. Normally Jake would hold my hair but he's fucking gone. All because I thought I lost feelings for him, all because of my own stupidity.

It feels like nothing makes sense. Everything is blurred, I walk back to the door and grab a bottle of vodka I find on one of the tables and chug the whole thing. I don't want to feel anything. Everything goes so fast, I can't think.

I firmly grab the vodka bottle in my hand as I dink down the last bit of alcohol before I smash it on the ground. My mascara is smudging, I begin stepping on it till you can no longer tell what it is. I don't care that I ruin my shoes, I already ruined fucking everything. I scream, letting out the boiling anger in me.