Knowing Love

Chapter 4

A bottomless darkness appears before Fujieda. It envelops him; it swallows him.

For a long time, his body drifts in this lightless sea like a piece of wood floating in the river, capable of nothing but following the stream where it goes. Is it an ocean or a fierce waterfall waiting for him up ahead? Whether his body would continue to drift for eternity beyond the waves or be crushed under the pressure of the rapid surge, it appears that all he can do is wait and accept the fate the future will impose on him.

In the back of his mind, Fujieda can feel a flicker of something he cannot put into words. A spark of light, a glint of emotion, a flash of recollection, or something else entirely — which is it? It seems that there is something he wants to do, something he needs to do before entering this space of nothingness now surrounding him, but he cannot remember what it is.

As he continues to ponder, the shadows in front of him suddenly twist and turn wildly, soon beginning to take form into a familiar view. Fujieda wonders what it is — and why a feeling of discomfort starts to take hold of his body. After watching the transformation taken by the spiraling shadows, however, understanding dawns on him at once.

The view he is looking at is none other than his childhood home, the place where all the most painful and unpleasant memories of his life gather.

"Useless bunch!"

"Stop crying, dammit!"

"Be grateful I even feed you at all!"

"Everything is your fault! I wish you were never born!"

A cruel father, an abusive mother — For as long as he could remember, there was never a day when they did not shout at him, hit him, kick and curse at him. They would pull at his younger sister's hair, scream at her, and drag her across the room before slapping her until her delicate body crashed against the hard floor many times. He hated to see it, so he chose to shield her from them in exchange for letting them plant numerous scars on his body.

But even then, it was still not enough.

But even then, he still lost the very person he wanted to protect the most.

In the end, all that is left before him in that so-called home is the sight of his mother happily surrounding herself with expensive clothes and bags with a twisted smile on her face after selling off her own flesh and blood.

The shadows twist and turn again. This time, Fujieda finds himself being sucked into a sequence of events, looking at them from the sideline like watching a movie roll. He saw the familiar streets and alleys passing by; he heard the voice of his young self, wheezing and panting while desperately calling the name of the person he lost. Yet no matter how hard he searched, no matter how far he looked, he could not find even a strand of her hair until he collapsed by the streetside out of hunger and fatigue.

In the next scene, he sees himself giving up the last shred of dignity still left in his person. He sees his younger self sleeping with anyone and everyone for money, throwing fake smiles and meaningless sweet words around just so he could live one more day, just so he could reach a place high enough where he could look for the one he lost. He would snatch every opportunity, he would accept any kind of help regardless of who was giving it to him.

He worked, he searched, he did everything in his power, all while continuously ignoring the dwindling hope in both his mind and heart. But maybe it was because he was persistently refusing to accept reality, because he insisted on deluding himself that he could still take back what he lost, that life finally decided to give him the answer he'd been looking for in the most merciless way.

There is nothing waiting for him at the end of the way. There is only darkness, emptiness, a hollow where nothing exists.

What has he been struggling for? What has he been working so hard for? In his entire life, he has only ever wished to protect one person but even that is taken away from him. If so, what meaning is there for him to keep on living?