Expectations. Encouragements. Enlightenment.
Their surroundings could be seen as nothing but competition.
From their most distant memories, their mother and father had always been there, but what happens when a change suddenly erupts and changes the way one is conditioned to think about the world?
Their parents had been divorced for a while now and their low age resulted in great challenge to understand what was happening and why they had been given away to live with tgeir grandparents. Why am I different from others?
Whilst at school, approval is longed for greatly more than anything because it proves they are something more than to be passed around and discarded. Upon realising the achievements felt in approval , a great happiness came to be and soon they were striving to look for any opportunity to get this.
Upon coming home , the absence of a father had now sunk in and I soon found myself seated at the dining table with a meal alike to my grandparents.
Whilst gazing at said food , my thoughts overtook me and soon my disgust, denial and declaration of independence had taken over my body , which I had longed to ravenously gouge out.
The feeling of emptiness contrasted with the filling of the food and soon I found the emptiness slowly fading away for yet a few seconds.
As my grandparents had asked of my day , I agreed to any questions they had asked me mindlessly , as euphoria had encased my body , Upon realising my newly found drug and cure.
Soon, my stomach began to feel full and discomfort had engulfed me. A newfound guilty pleasure had been found and I realised my conscience in what I could do and put in my mouth.
For what was only a bite had gave much insight , and almost instantly, my mind had placed utmost power, importance and precision in every bite.
Whilst everyone was tooking into their own plates, I focused intently on mine and realised the flavour, feeling and texture in every mouth full.
I soon tried to come up with a way to make this experience more worthy of me and realised this is something I could count on daily.
I organised my plate meticulously, as the absence of my father had came to mind and my mother's lack of presence.
It gave me a place to put not just food, but apart of my feelings and doubts I longed to be pushed down and sent away from me.
The distraction was indescribable, as I had found my one true passion and love and the best thing being - it wouldn't leave me.
Once the size, shape and type of food were organised into different sections of the plate, I counted the amount of food in every section and made sure all were equal.
In the end , most of my plate still had the majority of food on and everyone had already finished , so I declared I was done.
I happily walked over to the bin and scraped the food I put prestige into , in the bin.
The food's presence outside of myself made me glad that a piece of my happiness would be out in the world.
Little did I know that little piece would yet be transformed into a big piece of myself , that is swallowed whole and hard to come back.
That first time I had scraped the food into tge bin was the starting point of myself disappearing.
