staring down the sun

[17] truth or consequence, say it aloud

Maybe real men hide their feelings because they don't know what the fuck to feel.

Connor feels his heart drop to his stomach as he watches Elena leave. She couldn't even look at him, and he knows he's fucked up. Like he's completely undone everything they'd worked so hard for. All those times she told him to trust her, and he failed to reciprocate. He kissed her. And while he had a damn good reason to, as they both stared death in the face, the fallout from his actions now seem much more terrifying.

Someone says his name, forcing him to blink as he watches Bloom follow Elena upstairs.

"Connor?" Murphy's voice cuts through the fog in his head.

"Sorry," he shakes his head, trying to shake the self-doubt, even if only temporarily.

"Welcome back to Earth, man," Duffy teases as Connor sits down.

"Weather good up in the stratosphere?" Dolly adds with a chuckle.

Connor smiles, mumbling a friendly "fuck ye" as the men giggle.

"Now, now, children," Smecker interjects, though smiling also. "You sure you can't figure out what the fuck that symbol means?" he directs to Duffy.

The detective shakes his head. "Sorry. We know it's for whatever network is going on here, but what that's called, we got nothing."

"There is one common thread," Dolly adds. "It might be nothing, but both watches that the boys found and the hard drive are made of some sort of black-coated metal."

Smecker grins. "So now we just gotta look out for anything...black. Is that what you're saying, detective? Think there's some symbology there?"

Connor partially covers his mouth with his hand as he props his elbow up on the table. He feels his eyes crease from smiling, holding in the very chuckles he hears Murphy and Duffy trying to stifle.

Dolly takes the teasing like a champ, though, smirking as he holds his hands up in a faux surrender. "All I'm saying is there might be a theme here."

"No, you might be right," Smecker assures, still grinning. "But unless there's something else, something bigger that can prove that theory, I'm afraid that's all it is for now." He leans back, splitting his attention between the twins. "What do you think, boys?"

Connor and Murphy share their look like always across the table, and Connor clears his throat. "I think we keep hitting these guys to find out more."

Smecker nods in agreement. "Bloom's supposed to have the logistics for you, if she and Jensen ever get back down here."

"Must be girl talk," Dolly jokes, warranting a laugh from the others, except Connor. He feels his cheeks flush again, something in his gut now churning with regret. What if Elena tells Bloom what happened?

"You jealous, Dolly?" Bloom's Southern drawl interrupts as she walks back to the table. "I'll let you know when we're painting our nails later so you can join," she teases. "And then we can dish about the boys!"

Connor wants to laugh, but instead, he forces a smile, that gut feeling sinking even more.

Bloom takes her seat just as she had left it, shuffling through her notes and asking what she missed.

"What about Jensen?" Smecker inquires calmly.

Bloom shrugs with nonchalance. "She'll be down in a bit. Just needed some fresh air, that's all."

Smecker seems to accept that answer, though his eyes still look curious. "Well, in any case, the boys agree we should keep going."

As Bloom and Smecker outline the details of their next mission, Connor drops his eyes to his hands on the table. The permanent reminder on his left hand burns into his mind, seering with all of the truths he holds inside. One truth specifically seems to flicker up from his hand like the flame of his lighter.

"So, what do you say, sparrow?" Connor shoots his eyes up at Smecker's question, seeing Elena stand at the end of the table with her arms folded in that black jacket and her hips angled in those jeans as she shifts her weight to one side.

God, she looks so cool.

She narrows her eyes confidently. "We keep going."

Smecker smiles, "That's what Connor said."

Blushing, Connor feels the rosy glow migrate to his ears as Elena finally looks at him. Staring at her for even just a few seconds feels more like forever. And when her lips curl up, her emerald-green eyes warm his heart.

Only one other pair of eyes had ever made him feel...something like this—a pair of brown eyes from school. Connor was 16, and that was the only time he found himself saying those three little words to someone who wasn't family. He was so sure then that it was love. That naive confidence led him to sneak in through her bedroom window one night because he just knew he loved her. But then she moved to Dublin to start university, a world that Connor knew he would never fit in, no matter how many books he read or how many languages he spoke. That couldn't possibly be love, because love shouldn't fade away so quickly, never to be seen ever again.

He doesn't even notice the others wrapping things up and heading their separate ways to prepare for the next mission. He finally blinks and realizes he and Elena are the only ones left. She looks down before he can catch her gaze again and starts for the stairs.

"Elena," he softly calls after her. She stops and turns around, giving Connor some hope by how she looks at him. He closes the distance, quickly looking around to double-check if anyone else is nearby. Exhaling slowly, he stares into her eyes, but the words still stick to the back of his throat. "I'm sorry...for what I..."

Her face falls slightly. "Don't worry about it," she shakes her head subtly, pushing out a small, kind smile. He thought he was getting pretty damn good at reading her, but he can't tell anymore. He can't tell if she's relieved or disappointed.

Maybe Elena doesn't know what the fuck to feel, either.