Dark Secrets

13

Even though Yuvansh wanted to maintain a low profile in college, his brooding Byronic good looks and his knack of invariably topping each class earned him groupies. The fact that he paid  them scant attention only made him more desirable. He was a challenge, unlike the rest of the easy- going guys in class, and therefore the most sought after. Some maidens wrangled for tete-a- tetes while others dropped broad hints that they wanted to be asked out. A few even made blatant sexual overtures. He ignored them all.

At times, alone in his hostel room, he wondered why he gave short shrift to his ardent fan following. After all, Shreshtha was not his girlfriend. In fact, 'girlfriend' was much too heavy a term to use in this context- Shreshtha was blissfully oblivious to the intensity of his feelings. If she had had the least inkling of even the half of it, she wouldn't have 'unfriended' him so callously. If she had wanted to stay in touch but considered social media too risky, she could have asked for his telephone number; but she hadn't done that. All she had said was that he was not to message her and to drive home her point, she had summarily 'unfriended' him. Her message was loud and clear: she didn't want to be in touch with him. When she had said that 'she knew', perhaps she meant that she knew he felt something for her but what was that 'something' ? It could have been anything from an adolescent crush to true love and she probably assumed it was the former which would vanish the moment Yuvansh found someone else.

But he had experienced pain for her sake ! Can pain, in any form or extent, ever be anything but intense? If she hadn't' unfriended' him , he could have at least seen her updates , tracked her life and derived some sort of vicarious joy in her happiness. And still feel he was a part of her.

What if........she and I were in the US? What if...... she and I had checked-in into hotel? What if ........that had been our honeymoon? What if..... we were married? What if...she too loved me the way I love her?

Each time Yuvansh dwelt on it, he would hyperventilate and break out into hysterical laughter that eventually mutated into uncontrollable bouts of sobbing. It would invariably bring him to the same philosophical conclusion: loving another person with all one's heart and soul didn't suffice- there was no guarantee that the object of one's love would ever reciprocate one's love.

As days became weeks and weeks turned into months and eventually years, Yuvansh remained trapped in the emotional loop. The nights were various, but the thoughts were the same.

One night, he had an epiphany: he should neither expect Shreshtha to reciprocate his feelings and meet his expectations, nor should he expect her to stay in touch. She wasn't in love with him despite her kind words to him at her wedding. Anyway, as he had said to her long ago, just because a person isn't in love with one, doesn't- or shouldn't - alter one's love for that person. Is reciprocation essential to decide whether one's love will or will not sustain? The fact that he was in love with Shreshtha was itself a happy phenomenon and he should be content with that.

These thoughts and debates that he had with himself had contributed to his maturity as a person; had allowed him to avoid the pitfalls and distractions of adolescence and youth; and had also, in more ways than he could tell, irrevocably altered his personality. He knew what his world constituted of: his studies and Shreshtha. So, what if I'm not anywhere in her world?

Yuvansh topped the first year of his Bachelor's degree. A week before college was scheduled to break for summer, he attended a batchmate's , Neel's sister's wedding in Delhi along with his other classmates. At the wedding , he spotted a lady who seemed vaguely familiar. However , for the life of him, he couldn't place her. He kept an eye on her until it finally dawned on him: he had seen her on Shreshtha's social media profile! she had commented on almost all her posts and pictures. If he was not mistaken, her name was Yashvi Gautam.