All Bi Myself

Better Than the Alternative

My favourite heroines are the ones that get away whether it is a small town, an unhappy marriage, or domineering parents somehow through school or a relationship they leave. My absolute favourites are the ones that do it completely on their own with no game plan. They just get up and leave. But it always leaves me unsettled and dissatisfied, they have something tangible to run from -I'm running from myself and we all know there's no escaping that. It's a depressing thought knowing you're the problem and in my case it's even worse because I know I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

A touch on my arm coaxes me from the dark tangle of my thoughts and I look up with a smile. Tammy is already looking away talking to Ben but she trails her fingers up and down my arm and I swat her away.

"There you are. You had an awful scowl on your face." She says and I look away from both their stares not interested in going there.

Ben and Tammy get along real well and the three of us have started to hang out since the old group of friends splintered apart after Christy's meltdown; who by the way is dating someone now. Apparently the person she was texting all the time was a guy on her bus named Aaron. He has real pretty eyes –turquoise and his skin is like creamy coffee. They're together all the time now and she doesn't seem to miss me. We ignore each other at our lockers, the only place we'd be forced to interact. I'm quite sure when they break up, not if they break that she'll come back all apologetic. I'm still trying to decide if I'll let her back into my circle but Tammy is quickly filling that role.

"So I was thinking it's the weekend tomorrow. We should have a sleepover or something."

I look at Tammy thinking over the meaning of her words. A friend at home, how would Mom react, was she having a bad day today? Ben is the only friend that comes over regularly. My hesitation seems to amuse Tammy. She gives me a flirty grin that shows her teeth and I'm distracted for a moment. Why can't I pull off a smile like that and still manage to look sexy? Then- am I thinking about my own features, Tammy's features, or how her features make me feel?

"Cat got your tongue?" she asks.

I glare at her and shake my head and when she laughs I roll my eyes.

"No it doesn't. I'll have to ask Mom, she might be busy or something." I say avoiding answering her initial request outright.

It's not that I don't want her to come over, it actually sounds kind of nice. But at the same time I just want my space. There was a time when all my weekends were taken up with Him. I had been one of those girls that ignored their friends; girls that I now despise. But could you blame me? I had been desperate to get as many moments with him as I could so that they would form memories. Memories that I'm not capable of visiting, instead they lay dormant only coming to the surface when I let my guard down. Which wasn't about to happen right now, I school my features and nod at Ben.

"You in the mood to skip?" I ask ignoring Tammy.

Why did she feel like she could invade my space like that? Why was I letting her worm her way into my world? That first day I should have told her to fuck off. I didn't need anybody and they definitely shouldn't need me. Or want me, or whatever.

"Yeah sure."

Ben looks at Tammy uneasily, he hates conflict but like usual she's way ahead of me.

"I'll see you guys later." She says with an easy smile and gets up to leave.

I want to get up as well and stop her, apologize for being a bitch but I don't. Instead I watch her walk away then look at Ben to see if he's ready to go.

I don't bother stopping at home and we go straight to his place. That unanswered question looms between us and I can tell he's thinking about it as well. My reputation is a hard thing to forget. Maybe it's because I feel like I owe him something or maybe it's because I want something else to feel guilty about so I can forget about everything else but either way I step towards him and kiss the side of his mouth. That's all it ever takes. Guys are so predictable. Without hesitation he takes control and leads me upstairs. Afterwards he wants to hold me but I sit up and switch on his game system and find the most violent game and begin to play. Each target I take out punching through the walls I've put up around myself effortlessly.