All Bi Myself

Memories and a Kiss

Our first day was a Thursday, and since our school gets extra funding for doing a four day week we won’t have school until Monday. Why they couldn’t have waited until Monday I have no idea, but either way I’m at home now for three days. I’m neutral about this; it gives me time to think about Christy and I. I’m not worried about losing a friendship but I am reluctant to make an entire school year difficult with awkward looks and silences. I decide it was foolish of me to agree to have a locker next to hers.

The house is quiet, I find my mom in her room lying down. After a hasty move from a house invested with over five different types of mould and furnace that was leaking carbon monoxide her health only seemed to deteriorate, though the doctors say that’s normal. We’ve been in the new house for year but it still doesn’t feel like home. I still forget that there’s a bedroom downstairs, that the carpet downstairs is grey while the carpet upstairs is yellow and that the ceiling above the stairs is the wrong height meaning that at least once a month one of us slams our head into it.

“Hi Mom.” I say softly, creeping into the dim lit room.

“Hi darling how are you? How was your first day?”

I smile and sit down on the edge of the bed and shrug. She looks good today, tired but not sick. Her lungs are shot from all the stuff in the air but she gets better every month. However she has her bad days that seem to stretch on for weeks, this time her crash was because she had tried to organize the house.

“It was a day. There’s a new girl in our class. Her name is Tammy.”

We chat for a while before Mom decides to get up. My heart begins to pound and I stand ready to catch her when she blacks out. Even a small thing as sitting up in bed can make her see stars from lack of oxygen. Slowly she moves the covers back and swings her legs over the side. I know not to talk since she needs all her energy for just standing and she’s such a chatterbox she’d forget and try to do both. Finally she’s standing and gives me a smile but then she takes a step forward and that familiar whoosh sound comes as she sinks to the floor. I catch her and drag her up against me fighting the urge to sit down and cry. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t be like this. Eventually we get to the kitchen and she’s walking on her own albeit slowly. I leave her puttering around and go sit on the porch not bothering to put a jacket on. That familiar feeling of exhaustion creeps back, like all my limbs are weighted and pulling me downward.

We end up having chicken noodles for supper when Mom forgets to put water in the rice dish she made and started a fire in the oven. I tell her it’s okay that I love chicken noodles but I can tell she’s embarrassed. I make her a spinach salad since the doctor said it would speed her recovery, what he forgot to mention was she can’t have too much good food because it cleanses her body so fast she gets violently sick. And like always He creeps into my thoughts, I see him sitting at the table with us making a face when I offer him green beans.  I lose interest in my food and stare out the window instead. I listen carefully when I hear an engine rev before cutting out.

“Who’s that? Brian shouldn’t be home yet.” Mom asks getting to her feet slowly. “Is it one of your boys?”

I shake my head at her and she laughs heading off to her room. She doesn’t like greeting company on her good days never mind her bad days. I look out the window one more time before gathering our bowls and taking them to the sink. I still don’t recognize the vehicle. When my phone buzzes I know who it is and my excitement jumps down my throat and settles in my chest like dragon over its hoard.

cum outside

I roll my eyes at the spelling.

When I walk outside he’s just getting out of his car and walks towards me and I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face nor can I stop myself from stumbling forward and giving him a hug which he returns in just the right way to make my eyes close and my body press against him.

“Jesse.” I murmur and he laughs sliding his hands up and down my back.

I breathe in his neck and feel happy before pulling back.

“What did you do to your hair?” I ask horrified.

“I got a mohawk.”

I give him another once over and decide that after the shock I kind of like it. I ask him why he wasn’t at the first day of school and he explains that he just got back from out of province. I roll my eyes and feel envious that he got away for a while. We sit at the kitchen table for a long time and just catch up and I can’t help thinking of Him. Jesse was always trying to steal me away in a half-hearted way that left Him edgy and me disappointed that I wasn’t worth more of a definite pursuit. The boy sitting in front of me glancing over his shoulder once and a while like a caged beast is my definition of attractive, and yet deep down I know we wouldn’t be happy together. Eventually his girlfriend texts him and he says he needs to go. I give him a wry smile and ask how long he’s had this one and he shrugs and says she cheats on him, just like all the others I say. He gives me a nod and we both look at each other honestly for the first time, it only lasts a moment but it’s there. A kiss hovers between us, and an unacknowledged broken heart. He knows I wouldn’t have cheated on him, and he also knows it’s too late to try now. I step forward to give him a hug.

“Be careful babe, you deserve better.” I say and his hands slide down my waist in that way that could mean so much more.

He laughs and pulls his shoes on and gives me one last look before turning and closing the door behind him.

“I know I do.”