Umbra

Chapter 44

Even with their visitors, Emilia felt empty.

"You're alive!" said Hylla, not at all bothered by the fact that Emilia had rushed at her with such force, they both toppled onto the deck. She scrambled up, kissing Emilia firmly on the forehead, then on her cheeks, then her lips. "I thought— I thought—"

Hylla's hug was bone crushing. Emilia took a moment to inhale, remembering her smell and the feeling of her skin. She tried to relax, tried to enjoy the fact that her girlfriend was fussing over her. A sensation creeped up her back, the sensation that she was suffocating. The weight of it all crashed at once and Emilia felt like she had to escape.

By then, Coach Hedge had helped the others to the deck, all witnessing how Emilia suddenly ripped away from Hylla, holding her chest and sinking to the floor, panting and looking around wildly. She felt she couldn't breathe. As the sun beat down on her, it was as if every bit of dark nourishment she drank in Tartarus began to evaporate off her skin.

Hylla was bombarding her with questions, Pollux was already recounting the story of their arrival, both waving their hands so much that they formed minute shadows over her face, nothing like what she was now used to.

"Hey!" It was Coach Hedge who unceremoniously pushed his hands between Emilia and Hylla. "The kid can't breathe, give her a moment!"

All conversations stopped. Emilia wished she could disappear, covering her face and still frantically trying to gasp for air. The fatigue she hadn't felt in Tartarus crashed into her like a train. The shadows that'd carried her home were gone, the comfort of her mother's hands on her face forgotten.

"Emilia?" asked Annabeth, kneeling beside her. "What's wrong?"

"I can't feel it," she said, shaking her head. "I can't feel— it doesn't feel the same as before. I feel nothing, I feel weak."

Coach Hedge removed his jacket, draping it over her head like one would a blanket over a child, blocking the sun from their delicate faces. "Valdez! Make it less bright out here— if we wanted to sunbathe, we would've visited the House of Apollo!"

As Leo rushed to click a button on his control that turned the sails diagonally like a tarp, Nico di Angelo calmly swept his hands out, bringing a layer of darkness over Emilia. "She just needs a moment to recalibrate," he said, deadly calm. "She's having a bit of withdrawal."

She looked at him through her fingers. His gaze was so intense. She'd never really gotten the sense Nico wanted anything to do with her, given that his sister had died on a quest to rescue Artemis from Atlas. He spoke to her very briefly and only in front of other people. Yet he was the only other person that had ever understood her powers, who had talked her through control after he'd taught himself. Even now, he was the only one here who reminded Emilia of the Pit.

Emilia felt shame burning on her face as she tried to steady herself. She wished she didn't know the truth– she'd felt much stronger in Tartarus. She'd liked being there, she'd been so strong that her power became limitless. She missed the sensation of having total power, of knowing for certain that she held an advantage that gave her exactly what she wanted out of everything she sought out to do. How could she protect them now?

Her mother must have anticipated this, when she told her that she'd only ever lack power if she held herself back. Emilia trusted that could be true– this withdrawal, this feeling of utter weakness wouldn't last forever. She had to allow herself to draw from every source, to use the same abilities in this world, even if it wouldn't feel the same. But what would her friends think if she unleashed the same tracks she had against Tartarus? How would they judge her for the things she'd have to resort to in order to access that same power and protect them?