Behind The Smile

HELL

Sometimes I just do not want to be here. 

And when I say here, I mean everywhere. 

Everywhere that I have been or that I am going to be. 

I just do not want it. 

It is sometimes so hard to explain that it physically hurts me. 

The pain that comes from this wanting to be non-existent is slowly killing me. 

I feel depleted, drained, and heavy. 

I hate this feeling.

 I hate it with my entire being. 

I just want it to be over. 

The pain, the suffering, the constant need to be alone, to hide as much of myself from everyone around me.

 I cannot keep doing this to myself, but it is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore. 

The older I get the harder it is for me to not show my dark side.

To not succumb to the darker thoughts that I have been pushing down since the beginning.

 I am tired of fighting myself, tired of myself, I am tired. 

Sleep helps but only for some time.

 And sometimes sleep is not an escape, it is not enough. 

Sometimes sleep is a prison, locking me up with all my demons, forcing me to face the truth of my darkness. 

Sometimes sleep is scary and leaves me awake for days at a time. 

The need for sleep eventually out weights my demons. 

That is when the sleep is dreamless, blank, and cold. 

Only there to rejuvenate my body just to begin the cycle over. 

It's my own personal hell.