My Escape : Kalpana

Presence plus question

Hare Krishna readers!

Here I'm back with another chapter.

Have all of you ever felt the presence of someone you love without them being around you physically.

And in the same way Kanhuda makes me feel his presence.

Like I had started calling him Arya since like December, and I felt an unusually deep connection with him.

Like when I would glance at Laddu gopal, I won't feel any mother son connection which I felt earlier, but now as in husband wife one.

And you know, I'm blushing writing all this! I never knew Kanha could make me feel things I never felt in my life.

I know, he's god, yet I can't pull up myself to see him as one. Like for me he is just and just Kanha.

When he is laddu gopal, I'm his mother. When he is natkhat makhan chor, I'm his sakhi. When he is Dwarikadhish, I'm a mere servant at his feet.

But yet he is just Kanhuda. I can't just pull up myself to see him as some god. Because he has never been a god to me.

He has been a best friend I ever longed for. He has been the one to get me on the right path. He has been the one I could trust with closed eyes. He was there for me when the world left me alone.

He helped me over come the stage where people favour ropes and fans.

Yeah, almost that point. The fear, pain, anxiety, stress, and the panic attacks had all eaten me up. Haven't Kanha been there, I don't think I would have been here writing books.

The time when even my parents didn't trust me, he was there. He stood by me when I was all ruined. He brought me here.

I'm grateful to him for everything. For giving me this life, for helping me, for saving me, for every single thing he did everyday.

Since December I have felt a rather different connection with him.

I felt his gaze on me, his presence around me.

Like in December, my study table was kept to the farther corner of the room, adjacent to our temple kept in the same room.

So I had kept the mirror over the table and I just did nothing but stare at him through the mirror. Sometimes singing bhajan from singers, and at times I made my own bhajans.

Like one, 'He can turn your pain to gain,' and I also cried singing it, for no reason. No one was at home that time so I was able to sing freely.

And after that you won't believe what happened.

I have been blushing whenever I go in front of him. Like even if I enter the room, I feel his gaze. And it makes me so happy that he even looks at such a stupid materialistic girl like me.

I think at times at I don't deserve him.

I'm cursed, that's what I always told myself. Why? Because I always end up bringing the people I love in sadness.

I have ended up hurting my beloved family whenever I tried doing better for them.

But he made me feel that I'm not useless.

In December itself, I wrote a set of resolutions. And by a set, I mean about 70. Now, i just wanted to turn this year a lot more productive than the last one.

And one resolution was to be friends with some devotees and learn new things about Krishna consciousness.

On 10th January 2024, that resolution was completed. Why and how? Let me explain.