I have never met anyone as spontaneous as Eira. When she asked me to spend the night at their home, I was surprised and then flattered as the implication sunk in. Before I felt thoroughly scared.
"Ayoko nga na mag-hotel ka at ayoko rin naman na umuwi ka pa ng Subic nang ganito ka-late. Halika na. Hindi ka naman sa kuwarto ko matutulog, eh, sa isa sa mga guest rooms naman."
Ano na lang ba ang sasabihin ng mga magulang nito kung dito ako matutulog? I quietly asked myself.
But, I couldn't turn her down. I was afraid to say no to her. I was terrified that she'd take it differently and consider it a rejection when all I really wanted was her parents' approval.
"Baka lalong magalit ang mommy ko..."
"She's already angry, she couldn't get angrier," she reasoned.
Magagalit 'yun. Sigurado akong mas magagalit pa 'yun.
"Magiging kampante kapag dito ka matutulog."
I nodded inwardly sighing.
"Iggy, what's wrong?" she asked and I explained the reason why I wasn't comfortable sleeping over at their home.
"I want to be with you. But I don't want to put you in more trouble. Kasi, Eira, hindi lang naman panandalian 'yung gusto kong relasyon sa'yo, eh. Gusto kong pangmatagalan. Gusto kong ito na 'yun. Kaya naman ayokong ma-bad shot sa pamilya mo kasi alam kong para magtagal tayo kailangan maayos din ang relasyon ko sa kanila."
And just like that she agreed that I should stay at a hotel where I would feel more comfortable.
Lahat na lang ng sinasabi at ginagawa ng babaeng ito lalong ako na-i-in-love sa kanya...I thought to myself as I waved goodbye to her.
I would readily admit that I used to easily fall in love. It was a flaw that I was very well aware of and a flaw that I had tried year after year to hide. But, Dina was wrong when she said that I was the type who'd easily lose interest in a woman after bedding her because I wasn't. On the contrary, I would usually get more attached.
"Hanggang dito na lang ba talaga tayo, Bren?" my ex had asked as I was putting my pants on.
"What do you mean?" I had asked back. "Galit ka pa rin ba na hindi ako rito natutulog? Ang sabi ko, 'di ba, may lakad ako bukas—"
"Hindi naman 'yun ang problema and you know it..."
"Anong problema?" I had asked turning around to face her. "Hindi ako nambababae, kahit kailan hindi kita kinaliwa, kahit kailan hindi kita sinaktan—"
"Kahit kailan ay hindi mo ako minahal," she had said. "Kahit kailan, hindi ka affectionate sa akin—"
"Anong ibig mong sabihin? Kakatapos nga lang natin—"
"Bren, iba 'yung affection sa sex!" she had exclaimed. "Ano ka ba? Oo, we fuck each other all the time, pero, wala 'yung emotional connection. Hindi ko nararamdaman na mahal mo ako!"
"I'll buy you that bag you want—"
"Putang ina!"
"Maddie, ayoko ng away..."
"Alam ko naman kung paano tayo nagsimula, Bren, eh! Alam ko that this all started because I was lonely and you were looking for a fuck buddy! At alam ko rin na may usapan tayo that there'll be no strings attached! Pero, ilang buwan ba tayo ay gan'un pa rin? Wala ka talagang nararamdaman para sa akin?"
"Meron," I had honestly told her.
"Bakit hindi ko ramdam?"
"Kasi pinigil ko," I had divulged.
