for you, i try | beynika

16.

BEYONCE KNOWLES
MAY 10th, 2022
HOUSTON, TX

"It's just not- not anything I really want to relive." I admitted, fidgeting with the tassles on my jacket.

"I understand, but that's the only way we can help you through these emotions so you can properly heal, Miss Knowles. I know it's traumatizing to think of. So maybe what we can do it tell it all in pieces, yeah?"

I shrugged. I honestly didn't want to do this. Onika had convinced me to come to therapy. I fought my hardest against this, but she said it would do me justice. She recommended me to this odd ball. He was nerdy and scrawny, his hair was ruffled and he had a lizard that sat on his shoulder.

When I saw that blue, little creature crawl onto the couch, I almost bolted out of here.

I sighed heavily as I began to relive the day this all started.

"It was Valentine's Day.. ironically. Onika had just broken up with me. I was confused, hurt, angry. Devastated. I left her office in tears. I had driven back to the station and had wanted to go home. But I was in such disarray that I had ended up walking. I heard foot steps following me but I never thought to look back." I took a deep breath.

"At that point, I wasn't in any familiar surroundings. I had gotten lost. The footsteps were still behind me and- and I- I was grabbed. Forcefully. I remember I didn't react to it at all. I was so numb that I was okay with the idea of someone taking my life. I didn't care. The woman I needed most had broke my heart. Life held no meaning."

I wiped my tears on the collar of my shirt. Having to go through the emotions again, and really feeling them, was hurting me. I didn't want to feel these things. Onika breaking up with me started the worst period of my life.

"Alright, that's enough for today. I appreciate you telling me that." He commended and I nodded. It was a good thing he read the room. If I would've kept going, I probably would've sat here sobbing uncontrollably. We bid our goodbyes before i walked out of his office. Onika was in the waiting room like she promised.

The ride back to her place was silent. Before I went in, she promised she wouldn't ask anything unless I wanted to share. Considering I hadn't uttered a word to her, she took that as I didn't want to speak about it.

I watched her turn into a drive thru, Raising Canes. Without me saying a word, she ordered my go-to meal. I cracked a small smile at the gesture. Her memory was impeccable.

I went to reach for my wallet to pay, but she smacked my hand away. I frowned.

"What did you hit me for?" I asked and she shrugged. "Cause' I'm grown. Not only that, you're not paying. I got it." She responded.

I left it at that.

Arriving at her home, the two of us went inside to begin eating, after we had changed out of our outside clothes. This rule of Onika's used to bother me, but I had gotten used to it.

Since the incident, Onika had taken me in. She allowed me to stay in her home, she bought me an entire new wardrobe, she cooked, she cleaned, the list was endless.

In a way, it feels like she's just trying to make up for what she had done: leaving me. I hadn't truly forgiven Onika just yet. I wasn't ready to. I think she knew that.

Whenever she'd try to be affectionate, I'd become hesitant, shy, and distant. After a few tries, she had stopped all together. Then began doing her acts of services. I missed Onika, a lot. I still loved her and wanted to be with her. But I was afraid to even allow that idea to continue to prosper. Considering she dropped me so fast to please someone else without thinking of my feelings. There's no telling what else she'd do.

I changed into some house clothes then went back to the kitchen to eat. She had my food set out for me, my sauces open and my straw already in my cup. I eyed her. She didn't look at me at all, but I knew she felt me staring at her.

"You didn't have to do this. I could've done it myself." I told her. She shrugged.

"I'm for real, Onika. I could've done this. You don't have to do things like this for me. I am very capable of preparing my own meal." I continued.

"I did it because I wanted to. Now just eat, Beyonce." Tenseness radiated off of her tone so I left it alone.

She sat down next to me to eat her food. I began to eat my own and our meal was silent. I went to bite a chicken tender, drowning it in sauce first. I could feel the sauce drip on the side of my mouth. She quickly picked up a napkin to wipe it off. I moved away.

I covered my mouth so she couldn't see the food in my mouth. "I can do it." I mumbled behind the bite of chicken. She shook her head no and kept trying. I chewed and swallowed my food so I could speak again.

"What are you doing? Like seriously?" I asked her, moving her hand away from my face. I wiped the sauce away on my own. She frowned.

"I'm trying to take care of you, Bey. Is that a bad thing?" She genuinely look upset.

"It's not a bad thing. But why are you doing that? Like- you don't have to take care of me. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I can take care of myself." I responded.

She put the napkin down. "I know you can, but I want to do it. To make up for.. everything. I'm so sorry, Beyonce. I regret breaking up with you. If I wouldnt have done that, you wouldn't have gotten taken away. Z wouldn't hate me. My mom wouldn't be dead. So much would be different. I wish I could fix everything, so that's what I'm trying to do."

I let her words sit for a minute before I could respond. She took my silence as a negative, and began to cry. I frowned, not understanding why she was crying. I pulled her into a hug.

"I.. it's gonna take time, Onika. Soon enough, we'll be okay again. I don't know about being back together. But I will forgive you soon. Give me time." I pulled away from the hug. She wiped away her tears before we finished our meals.

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A/N:
this chapter has been in the drafts since.. march/april.. OOPS! 😭

anyhow, idk if this is my official return, but i missed you guys 🥹 i'm going to try to update more fr. yall deserve it for sticking through for so long 😭

I LOOVVEE YOOOUU 🥺🩷🩷