Time, even when infinite,
must have life within it
Today I've been thinking about time, and what it really means. It can be a construct as to how you use it or for what it matters, but there is something to be said for when there is nothing youre doing.
Ive been dealing with depression, and when I was a kid,*cough* things like someones parents divorcing seemed to me a wild event. Like all the kids should gather round in sympathy for their brethren like a mini mafia fruneral, giving their deepest condolences because it does mean something, as much as an Earthquake. But I realized when mine did, no one cared, or no one knew. This was the first thing I realized when it came to lack of peoples communication, even in adults.
I was productive today and went to walk/jog in the park three times, fed myself food, and started a book, so I call that a solid win. While I was in the park, I thought about depression, and looked to the trees and thought about this stage of life and what my relation is to support.
Trees in winter, besides evergreens, look to most like theyre dead. No one can help them or support them because they either dont know how, or they believe its too late. Or above all else, that it doesnt matter, whats one less tree going to do to the world?
But that tree isnt dead, its simply relying on itself, and thats a hard thing to learn.
Just when it feels like im just starting to live life, it feels like im dying because I have to learn to rely on myself, dig deep into my roots and find something to change. Maybe I dont want to settle down, have kids, get a solid job. And if I don't, I have to fight for something else, even if I dont know what that
I dont know how to fight, but I can learn.
Its lonely and a struggle when you cant go to family and friends for support in this stage of life. Dont worry Im reading books on communication and other stuff, things will always work out.
All of these things, and more, I found simular to the musical Tuck Everlasting. If you dont know the story, the jist is about a girl in the 1870s-1880s who upon further exploration of her small world in her home, finds there is a spring of life in the woods behind her home, and that a family-the Tucks- have drunk from the spring, causing them to stay the same forever. There is a snake oil salesman/circus man who tries to find the cure to old aging to make a profit, and there is a sheriff and deputy who tries to investigate them while the circus is in town. All boiling down to whether the main girl named Winnie Foster, should drink the liquid of the eternal spring or fountain of life, or live her live out to the fullest but eventually pass on. A story about time, preservation, and above all, loving yourself in change.
You cant hate yourself to change, ive learned this the hard way. Remember when I said my parents divorced long ago? Well, after that I felt much like Winnie in the sense her emotions were invalidated by people around her for her age, that she is sheltered, and she yearns to be something more. Now I wont spoil the whole show in case youd like to see it for yourself, but it really does help put into perspective of time.
The pressure to learn how to do everything you need to survive on your own in two years is hard. On top of that, finding where youre going to go from there-and thats the huge thing- people will often look to the next best thing if you arent being serviceable to them.
Isnt that wild? Yeah I know. But Ive learned to understand what people expect of you, isnt what you always need to do. It may sound obvious, but its one of those things where it doesnt click until your able to understand and tell yourself that.
The pressure to choose and be something
But you know a very important lesson it taught me is
At the core of your own life, you are preforming for yourself
Also can I just say, people who are out to rule the world, are just compensating for something, its so unrealistic? Even if you make progress, you cant control the whole world, it isnt possible, there is always a yin and yang in that sense.
Anyway, its late so Im ending it here. These are for fun for me. But if youre reading, thank you, it matters you are wanting to read and interested in what I have to say
