Shiny Demon

I'm Reaching for You, Terrified

When Stevie woke up, sun was streaming through the porthole windows. Memories of the night before drifted softly through her semi-consciousness like sparkling dust motes. She rolled over to find Seb laying about a foot away, sprawled out and snoring softly. As he puffed little breaths in and out, his face was lit with an uncharacteristic peace that his waking mind never allowed. She debated whether she should crawl into his arms. She wanted to feel his touch, go back to the easy affection they'd had the night before. But it was a new day, and her anxieties held her in place, not allowing her to trust the idea that he'd still want her so close.

She settled on her side, letting herself indulge in the pleasure of watching him close up. The smear of the eyeliner around his eyes. The mess of his hair, still technically in a pony tail but every strand fighting to get free. His soft, relaxed lips. She touched her own mouth, still raw from his kisses.

Her hand accidentally caught the blanket and tugged on him. His face tensed for a moment before his eyes fluttered open. His gaze was unfocused at first but she watched as he remembered where he was and who he was with. His eyes closed serenely as his mouth lifted into a grateful smile.

"Good morning," he rumbled. "What are you doing all the way over there?"

The words hit her body like that first cup of coffee, loosening the grip of her anxieties. She scooted closer and nestled into him. His chest buzzed with a contented hum.

It all felt dangerously wonderful. A soft, glittering expanse of possibility and wishes appearing to come true. But her fears kept surfacing like little whack-a-moles, setting off ripples of worry through her mind. What did this mean to him? Was she his rebound? A safe bet of someone he could sleep with and likely never see again? Would he want to keep it a secret from the others?

Seb began to rub slow, firm circles into her back, as if he knew her thoughts and was trying to soothe her. It worked too. Warmth flooded through her and she pressed against him automatically, wanting to be as close as possible.

Their bodies drew together with a natural inevitability. Lips began grazing collar bones and hands explored more fervently. Much like the night before but something had shifted. They were more impatient. Tugging at clothes and pressing harder.

Through the haze of her lust, a worry managed to break through, more insistent this time.

They hadn't talked. About the night before. About their year apart. About anything that had happened between them. She was ready to sleep with him right then and there, but she didn't want it to be like the heated, rushed hook ups she'd had in the villa. Where no one discussed anything because there was nothing to say. Because there was no purpose beyond the satisfying of personal urges.

"Wait," she managed to huff out.

Seb's hand froze on its journey under her shirt. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." She sat up, but didn't detach herself from him completely. She was almost afraid to. Like he might run off to Viv the moment he realized that Stevie wasn't offering the mindless fuck he'd been hoping for. "I want this. I really want this. It's just... I need to say something first." She looked down at his hand, which was now resting on her folded leg. "I'm not... who I was in the Villa anymore. I know, I hooked up with just about everyone and no one took me seriously. Not that they should have. But..." She looked up at him. "I don't have it in me anymore to be a fling. That's not what this is to me."

His eyebrows lifted as he studied her face. He propped himself up on his elbow and ran his hand over her leg. "That's not what this is to me, either." He kissed her knee. "That's not how I ever saw you." He ran his thumb over the skin he'd just kissed and smiled to himself. She released a slow, easy breath. It was probably foolish to be so easily reassured by someone who was still running their fingers up and down her inner thigh, but she couldn't help but believe him. "I just want... time. With you. It doesn't have to be..." He smirked and lifted his hand off her leg to gesture at the bed around them.