you have two choices.
you or them.
which will it be?
•••
"So. How are you feeling?"
I.. I need time.
"Of course. I'm sure it wasn't easy"
No. It was.
"Oh?"
Seeing her leave was easy.
We already knew it would happen. We talked about it for multiple nights. We were prepared, so to say.
"I see. And yet, you chose to stay together?"
Just until she left.
"Can I ask why?"
I.. I guess we just had a real connection. I don't know.
"I'm oddly surprised to see you so calm about this. I'm guessing you took care of the nerves already"
Heh.. yeah, after we said goodbye, I went for a walk. Stopped by the park. Smoked a joint.
"To cope? Or to numb the pain?"
...
I guess both.
•••
Sometimes it's funny to me.
They way my life treats this side of me.
Every time I think I have everything I need, there's always something else.
Something new, something more, sometimes it's both.
It's never enough, yet somehow that's never what I'm told.
From what I gather, I figure there's always something more.
Life is cruel like that, always leaving you with a sore.
Makes me think "Will I ever get my happy ending?"
"Will I ever understand this message that the universe keeps sending?"
It's like fate keeps fucking with me.
Making me think I can finally have it all, just to take it all away from me.
I'm sick of these games, so tired of the cycle, just let me love someone eternally.
I mean, honestly, I look up and ask, "how is this shit helping me mentally?"
If it's strength that's benefitting me, then just take it away already.
I don't want it, I don't wanna be strong, just let me break down, let me feel the pain hurting me this badly.
I wanna cry but I've been through this before.
I wanna feel the pain, let it hurt, have it heed from the core.
I hate to be dramatic, hell, I avoid to be erratic.
That's not the way I show myself, please everybody but myself.
Too long have I obsessed for the beat of the heart.
Never recognizing that's the reason it's hard.
It's a bad habit, I know.
To be bliss to the hurt, that's low.
It's not like I mean to, sometimes there's no alternative.
Sometimes it feels like you don't carry a motive.
I wanna make it clear, somehow, bring my point straight across to you.
Show what it truly means to keep losing everything that means the world to you.
Whole chunks of empathy, love & anxiety.
Roll down the hill built from harmonious symphony.
Trying to understand this world is like trying to play hoop with a hand tied behind your back.
Take away one essential part of the process & you lose the balance needed to make those points stack.
I lost many essential parts over the years.
Couldn't recognize that because of the vigorous tears.
Cried my heart out, spill my guts to you, now what's left of me?
What's left for me to say to you?
What would you think of me when I'm completely honest with you?
I'm simply a shell, devoid of the love that was taken from me.
That's what happens with such a big heart.
You give a lot.
You see a lot.
You feel a lot.
You devote.
It's like a marriage, but not really.
Shit, I would've loved to wife her, she was such a half of me.
Completing each other, yeah I know it's corny.
But shit, that's what love does to you, to me.
To me, it was vividly.
I couldn't hide it, it was truth within me.
I had to admit, I had to face the reality in front of me.
So when she told me this would have to end so abruptly,
I shivered a bit, darted my eyes, and simply accepted my reality.
Shit.
