heartbreaking

the only part

this is my story:

My ex broke up with me two weeks ago and i hate myself for letting it fuck me up so much, because even tough i love her with all my heart i am mad and sad and heartbroken and it feels like i am gonna stop breathing. curently i am sitting on the ground and watching rwrb edits, because it adoreble and feeling sad and broken, because its hard when you realize that a relationship is over. something you two had and its now over and i just still can't believe that everythings gone from dancing in our rooms to kissing to having dates. and everytime i see her i just want to kiss the hell out of her, but i can't, because its over.

my bestfriend asked: ''would you go back to her?'' and i said: ''in a heartbeat, i love her so much and i want her back i want us back.'' but i think i am gonna change that answer. ''yes i do want her back, but i woudn't do it, because she broke up with me she made a choise for the both of us witch putted me trough hell so yes, but i woudn't do it.'' now my ex doesn't want me back, but still this is now my answer.

and also that moment you just can't stop dreaming or thinking about them like omg why? it allready hurts llike hell and then 24?7 they have to be on my minde too come on! and it isn't positive anymore witch is also wierd, because last night we litterly had a fight in my dream and taylor swift was my teacher like damm. or that you coupel everything on them oh she would've loved that, or she loves coldplay. Well fuck its over! thats the only thing i can tell myself and i just know i can't just stop loving her from of moment one and forget about her, but right now i wish i could.

i hate myself for letting this get me so bad, i never expierenced this pain! i never wanned to text someone like that, but i need to realize its over and find a littel more love for myself, because how can i love myself when i use  all my love on the other person, when i am constant in a worry. 

i hate that i am mad and sad at the same time and i also understand that its complete normall.

i am also starting to unerstand that some thing aren't just meant to be. Life isn't a movie or a book, you don't just meet a person and fall in love and happily ever after. there are heartbreaks and there is pain, god so much pain. i am kinda mad that i never realized this earlier. we were not Beauty and the beast, we were not kurt and Blaine or alex and henry. there wasn't a future and every part of our relationship was beautyfull and worth the fight, we were living to much in the future so i took the present for granted and maybe she had that too, i will probeblly never know, but honestlly its okay. Life sucks at the moment and it hurts like hell. it feels like there is salt in a big open wound, but i will be okay. 

she broke up with me, it wasn't a thing i would have chosen, but its okay some things aren't meant to be and yes i need time to heal and honestly i think i don't believe in friendship after a relationship and maybe i do and i will tell her when I am ready, because this is my healing process and I am not gonna speed this up for annyone!! just maybe i will tell her i am ready to be friends again and honestly maybe not, because i can also see my self in a position where i just want closure and just want my freedom and not living in a past relationship, but we'll see.  

then also i have decided not to text and not to call or talk to her first, because if she would want too, she would've said something more the ''congrats with your brother'', but its okay. i will always love her she was so speciale to me and it hurts its over, but i will survive, because i have been trough worse! and if your in the same place, you will too! beliave me it isn't the end of the world. 

and last but not least, i just wanna say your not alone, not in this feeling, but also, because there are friends, family and therapists who are there to help you up again!

thank you for reading this, i hope you'll be okay. i love you and i am here for you! byee