The first time I knew about you, I was surprised. Sobrang saya ko. I didn't get mad nor upset when you revealed your identity to me when in fact isang taon akong naloko. But I was willing to throw that pain away, so, we could start anew. I've never felt that kind of happiness before. It felt really weird, to be honest. Sobrang toxic ng relationship natin before, sobrang toxic to the point na kapag masaya tayo, sure na agad ako na may masamang mangyayari in just a few hours. Kaya nanibago ako ng sobra. I felt more comfortable and carefree. Our relationship before always made me feel like I was walking on eggshells. But our new relationship didn't feel that way. It felt like I was walking on the softest green grass to ever exist, where the most beautiful flowers bloom. I felt light and happier. I used to always feel inferior. It hurt a lot, to be honest. I never really liked that kind of feeling but hinayaan ko lang noon kasi mahal kita, e. It was my first time loving someone. Ang nasa isip ko lang, "intindihin mo lang, 'yun lang ang kailangan niya—'yung may iintindi sa kanya during his toughest times". Kaya ayun ang ginawa ko. But I ended up getting myself hurt in the end. I always begged. It felt as if I have to beg to be loved. I always get these hurtful thoughts like, "nobody will like me unless they liked my body first", "I'm not worth fighting for", "I'm not worthy of genuine love". It went on for almost a year. It was really painful though. It was a traumatic experience. After that one fight we had back in January, it made me think that maybe I'm not meant for love. But I met another version of you. But this time, I fucked up real bad. I really wish I had met you instead. But I hope you know that I really love you. I just don't know how I'll bring back the old me. I'm all messed up now. I don't know how I'll ever be able to be okay again.
