It All Started With Him

:: 1 :: This is hard to say

Ephesians are spread wide open on my bedside table. This means either two things. One Bonnie Cydell has finally convinced her to push me to join her Bible Studies on Thursday nights;or two; she knows about my relapse. Being how my aunt is a nurse; and has left readings of the Bible open to be to read and discuss; I degenerated that open.

She knows about the relapse. The question and answer as to how and why I thought I needed to do, it would be the hard part. The second hardest part would be telling the only other important person in my life.

"You need to tell him, you know that. Don't you?" Linda asks in her guardian angel voice. Soft. Gentle. Though, like all parents or guardians of their children should be after finding out about the dangers of narcotics or alcohol use. No legal advice prepares you or them for that moment.

"I know Aunt Linda. I just don't know how to explain it to him. I'm a bisexual nineteen-year-old with an addiction," I tell her; as my brain goes through the process of becoming more and more sensitive to the fact that I'm admitting this for the first time since my relapse with heroin over eight hours ago.

"I don't think meetings have anything to do with your sexuality. Unless you're one of those highly sensitive individuals who please to protect that their God would has nothing else but to judge in his or her court all day long. God doesn't give a damn about gender identity, race or sexuality," my aunt proudly announced, placing her views on Christ, something I've known for years and still low key wonder if she's had to say that more often than not at the hospital.

"I think meetings are after rehab or something," I tell her as I look at my Lock Screen where the time shows a picture of Luke and I dressed in our Wednesday costumes for my cousin Addyson's wedding a couple months ago. I smile for a moment before seeing the time and pushing the phone back in my pocket.

"If you can't tell him. Then try writing it down. You'd be surprised how much better you're going to be getting it if your chest. You're an adult and addict. He deserves to know," she tells me. Before leaving, she places a piece of paper with an address and schedule for meetings.

I'm an adult and addict.

This is going to be hard.

Luke; Beautiful Baby Bean; every single thing in this story/journal is going to be hard and true. Aunt Linda is right. I'm an adult and addict. You deserve nothing less than the love you deserve and for that you are myopic for all eternity. My heart aches writing this down, but baby it needs to be written.

For this to happen I need to be 100 percent sober and honest.

I love you so damn bad.

Christian ❤️🫘💯