Ever After (ONC 2024)

Chapter 7 - Don't Forget to Have a Sense of Urgency

 "All right, I'll do it," Arthur said. "But this is the last time. I'm not kissing anything else for the rest of the time I'm trapped in this fairy tale world. I don't care if I find true love with some beautiful princess. I'm done after this. Got it?"

He picked up the frog and laid a big smackeroo right on its mouth. They were suddenly engulfed in a giant puff of smoke, and the next thing Arthur knew, he was locking lips with a chubby man with long, scraggly black hair and thick dark stubble on his face.

"Thanks, chum," the man said as he broke the kiss. "Much obliged."

"You're welcome," Arthur said. "So what's your deal, anyway? Are you some kind of prince?"

"Yes, I am indeed the prince of the Kingdom of Slug Manor," the man said as he straightened out his shirt. It was wrinkled and had mismatched buttons, a few of which were missing. It also sported a couple of orange stains on it. "Prince Darnell, at your service. I accidentally gave an insult to a powerful sorceress and she turned me into an amphibian. Anyway, thanks again for breaking the spell. I'd better be off."

"Hang on, a minute," Arthur grabbed him by the sleeve. "You're a prince. You must know Prince Charming, right?"

"I'm familiar with him, of course," Prince Darnell said. "Who isn't?"

"Good," Arthur said. "Then you can take us to him and introduce us."

"Whoa, good chap," Prince Darnell said. "I may be familiar with him, but I never said he was familiar with me."

"Don't you princes all hang out together?" Arthur asked. "Like some sort of prince club?"

"Perhaps some of the heirs of large kingdoms do, but Slug Manor is a very tiny kingdom. It consists entirely of my father's house and approximately one third of the pond right behind it. My father declared independence from the kingdom of Silrania when the king refused to grant him an audience to demonstrate his latest invention, handkerchief shoes. Thus, the Kingdom of Slug Manor was born."

"I see," Arthur's face fell. "So you don't know Prince Charming, and you're probably not even really a prince, since I kind of doubt anyone is legally recognizing your kingdom as a sovereign entity."

"But we have our own legal tender," Prince Darnell protested as he pulled out some irregularly cut up strips of paper with various numbers written sloppily on them and a stick figure drawing of a king. "This proves we're a legitimate kingdom. I made these myself in the royal mint, also known as a small shack in our backyard."

"Well, I guess you are a prince, then," Arthur said. "Which is great news, because you can take over kissing duties for me, since as I believe I made clear, I am now officially retired. I bequeath that honor unto you, good sir."

"Gee, I'd really like to, but duty calls me back to the Kingdom of Slug Manor," Prince Darnell said.

"Does anyone else smell something funny?" Hamlet spoke up. "Sort of a combination of wet fur and rotting meat?"

The Big Bad Wolf burst out of the trees in a blur of fur and teeth. He plunged his clawed hand into Prince Darnell's back and it burst out through his chest, still grasping the still beating heart. Blood and gristle splattered Arthur's face before he even registered what was going on.

"Run!" Hamlet yelled and took off towards the trees.

Gretel grabbed Arthur's hand and yanked on it, breaking Arthur out of the paralyzed stupor of terror he had been in. They followed after Hamlet down a little trail that led off into the woods. It was overgrown with shrubs and low hanging branches and barely qualified as a path, but it led away from the clearing where the wolf was messily devouring Prince Darnell, and that was good enough for the time being.

They ran for what felt like an hour. Arthur's lungs were on fire, and his legs were starting to feel like there were heavy weights attached to them, but still they pushed on. They had wasted way too much time on all that kissing nonsense, and that was not a mistake Arthur intended to repeat again.

They kept running until they came to a river that barred their way. It looked to be about twenty or so yards across. It had a swift current and Arthur could see some white water breaking over some large rocks that protruded from the middle of the channel. All in all, Arthur did not think highly of their chances of wading across.

"Well, that was another close call," Hamlet said through gasping breaths. "We really need to find another house to hole up in."

"You know what?" Arthur rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe that's not a terrible idea. We could set up a bunch of booby traps and try to Home Alone this guy."

"Try to do what now?" Hamlet asked.

"It's this movie where this kid gets left at his house alone and has to fight off bad guys all by himself," Arthur started to explain.

"Hey, are you suggesting ditching me in some house to face the Big Bad Wolf alone?" Gretel asked. "Because I am not okay with that plan."

"No, you see the kid sets up all these elaborate traps and defeats the criminals single handedly."

"There you go with that 'single handedly' business," Gretel folded her arms across her chest and pouted. "You're not leaving me to fight a wolf by myself, you coward."

"You're getting hung up on the wrong part of this," Arthur said. "In the movie the kid's alone, but you don't need to be alone."

"Or does she?" Hamlet asked.

"No!" Arthur said. "She won't be alone! We'll be there to offer some assistance."

"Well, I don't know how to build any traps," Gretel said. "Do you?"

"Um, no," Arthur admitted. "But we can iron out the details later. I'm sure we can MacGyver something up."

"What's a MacGyver?" Gretel asked.

"He's a guy who can build pretty much anything out of a roll of duct tape and a swiss army knife, neither of which we have. I knew I should have put those in my backpack. Stupid! What was I thinking?"

"That doesn't sound very helpful," Gretel said. "Look, if your plan revolves around leaving someone on their own, I vote we ditch the pig. He's the one the wolf's after. We go our separate ways and the wolf will just follow him and leave us alone."

"First of all, no part of my plan involves leaving anyone on their own," Arthur sighed. "We're not leaving anyone behind. That's a jerk thing to do. It's the kind of thing Mr. Crankshaft would probably do, and none of us wants to be like Mr. Crankshaft, do we?"

"Who's Mr. Crankshaft?" Gretel asked.

"He's my boss," Arthur said. "And a majorly rude person, to boot. Look, none of this matters anyway if we can't get across this river. Does anyone know how to build a raft?"

He got nothing but blank-eyed stares in response.

"Okay, then. I say we just make our way downstream and see if we can find an easier spot to cross."

Nobody raised any objections, so they started walking alongside the river. It was slow going at times as certain sections were muddy or overgrown with foliage. At last they came upon a wooden bridge that spanned across the river.

"Maybe we can destroy the bridge somehow once we get to the other side," Arthur said. "That would give us some time to put some distance between ourselves and the wolf."

"I like that idea," Hamlet said. "Destroying stuff is fun! If we get out of this alive maybe I'll go around knocking down people's houses like the Big Bad Wolf does!"

"Um, let's discuss that later," Arthur said. "We can cross that bridge when we come to it. For now we've got this bridge to cross. Now let's hurry before the wolf catches up."