Ever After (ONC 2024 Longlisted)

Chapter 9 - Don't Forget to Check Identification

 Arthur took a moment to examine the ropes on the bridge once they reached the other side. As rickety as it had felt when they were crossing it, it now seemed much too solidly constructed for him to be able to adequately sabotage, especially with the tools he had at hand and the presumably limited time he had to work with. He had no idea how far behind them the wolf might be and Little Red Riding Hood seemed impatient to keep moving.

The pathway leading onward was narrow but well worn, and as they made their way back into the forest, Arthur couldn't help but admit it was a beautiful day in Fairy Tale Land. The air was pleasantly warm, but a gentle breeze kept the temperature from getting too hot. The leaves on the trees were vibrant and colorful, and the sunrays broke through the foliage in such a way that gave everything a soft inviting glow. And then his jaw really dropped when they came to a section where giant mushrooms sprouted from the ground on either side of the path. Some of the smaller ones were about the size of reclining chairs, while others towered over their heads like enormous umbrellas.

Arthur started peering expectantly at the tops of the huge fungal growths.

"Are you looking for something?" Little Red Riding Hood asked.

"Yeah," Arthur replied. "I'm wondering if there's going to be a big caterpillar sitting on top of one of these things and smoking a hookah. Wait, is Alice in Wonderland considered a fairy tale?"

"I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about," Little Red Riding Hood said.

"So what exactly is a fairy tale?" Arthur pondered. "Is the Wizard of Oz a fairy tale? There's witches and talking animals in it. What about the Chronicles of Narnia? Or the Lord of the Rings? Do they count?"

"You're a strange man, Arthur," Little Red Riding Hood said.

"I'm strange?" Arthur said. "You live in a world with talking pigs, and bridge trolls, and cross dressing wolves. I'm not the weirdo here. Now where do you suppose that caterpillar might be hanging out at?"

He was so preoccupied with looking up that he almost tripped over a small gnome who had jumped out from behind a toadstool and blocked the path in front of them.

"Sorry about that, sir," Arthur said as he patted the gnome on the shoulder. "Didn't see you there."

"No need to apologize," the gnome said. "It was my fault entirely. Say, you look like a gambling man!"

"I'm not," Arthur said. "I've never bet on anything in my life. My friend Frankie wanted to bet a quarter on who could do the most pull-ups when we were in fifth grade, but that was way too rich for my blood."

"Oh come on," the gnome pleaded. "It'll be fun! I'll wager a bunch of gold that I happen to come into possession of, and you can put up your firstborn child. See? Just a friendly little wager. All you have to do is guess my name. I'll even give you three tries."

"Gee, I don't know," Arthur said. "I don't have any kids, but maybe someday I might. On the other hand, if I had a lot of gold, maybe I could afford to quit my terrible job. Aw, what the heck? You've got yourself a bet, Rumpelstiltskin. It is Rumpelstiltskin, right?"

"What?" the gnome's face fell. "How did you know that? You cheated!"

"I've just heard about you," Arthur said. "You're kind of famous. Now where's my gold?"

"You want your gold?" Rumpelstiltskin sneered. "It's in a big room in a castle. I spun it out of a giant roomful of straw. If you want it you're going to have to go get it yourself."

"Is it at Prince Charming's castle?" Arthur asked. "Because we're on our way there anyway."

"No," Rumpelstiltskin grinned. "It resides in the castle of King Winston the Somewhat Worthy. It's a mere seven day trek to the East. You're welcome to go fetch it."