love me a thousand decembers

we were sinners

Hi Remoon,

i'm sorry i had stopped writing. maybe because i hated to write while pretending you are here with me. it made my heart burn even more. but i still hope you'll read this one day. you will, right?

i always had doubts on myself when it came to the way i felt my emotions, especially love. I didn't know what it meant and how it felt. i was scared that i wouldn't have the power to protect the love i am going to have in my heart one day. i was scared that it won't last and indifferences will take over it. mostly i was scared that my love wouldn't be true. maybe the lack of it made me feel that way.

i turned seventeen and i met you. at that time, i didn't know if it was love that i felt for you, but i could never get over it. i craved to be with you. because it gave some meaning to my existence. my life used to feel a lot easier when i was with you. i felt blessed.

I have you to thank for that, Remoon.
and I'm grateful you came into my life.

i thought, i fell in love. i told myself, it was love. and i wanted to protect it with all my heart. and i thought you did too. i felt the lack of love slowly filling up, i was healing. or at least i felt like i was. but i didn't know a black hole was forming inside my heart which would eventually crush me entirely. it has.

but it still remained in me and i felt it twitching inside my chest everytime i saw your eyes. your innocent eyes. i would forget all the ways that we're broken. i was busy trying to hate you. but i couldn't hate how you looked so pure even after what you did, you looked as if no sin has ever touched you and you have never wronged yourself.

something made me realise, i would let you shatter my heart a million times more and still, i couldn't hate you. I couldn't stop wanting to look into your eyes. then i started hating myself.

when i looked in the mirror, i didn't look that pure. my eyes didn't look innocent like yours. They looked like they held sins. But what sin had i done. i kept asking myself all the time and i couldn't figure it out.

then you disappeared. i thought i could forget you. but i lost my sanity instead. how cruel of you, you left with the little piece of tranquility that remained in my life. but then again, i have you to thank you for your cruelty. for which i finally realised why i wanted to hate you and why i loathed myself so much. it took me a long time, but i did eventually.

you were my first love, that's what i had told myself. but i was wrong. i just wanted to fill up the lack of love in my life. I just wanted your love to heal my heart and fix my life. when i never really cared to know if you needed to heal too.

i didn't fall in love, i just craved for it, i longed for someone to love me. it felt like a sin to me. a huge sin. and the burden of that sin was killing me slowly and painfully. it is still.

so i couldn't hate you for what you did to me. i thought by hating you, i would finally have the courage to forgive myself. But if i had loved you truly, I'd never want to hate you. all i cared about was to be pure again, to stop hating myself.

i realised, i had created the black hole myself and i had been constantly growing it. we both were sinners. i was the bigger one perhaps. you burned your love as fuel to your rage, and i just wanted love to heal me.

you didn't deserve my hatred. i did.
so i finally stopped trying to hate you.
i forgave you, Remoon.

then i kept burning in three years of unending self hatred and the yearn to truly fall in love this time. i wish if i could tell you i love you, when my heart would be filled with love, while the feeling of it would wash away my sins and make me pure again.

but is it truly love what i seek or is it forgiveness? or do i just want to stop aching from the guilt? relieve myself from the burden of the sins?i have been asking myself for a long time.

three years, I thought thousands of times everyday, did you miss me? i told myself you did. I couldn't see your eyes anymore, couldn't see your smile. were you smiling? i told myself you did. did you secretly feel guilty too, for what you've done?

i wonder, if you were just an evil soul or did you want to hurt me cause you knew my love wasn't real and then you gave me what i deserved. whatever reason it was, I want you to know that I don't blame you anymore, i don't have the right to do that.

I can't bear the absence of you in my life anymore, Remoon. i have been aching for too long to see you. i wish if i could see those innocent eyes once again. only if you came back, i would tell you i am sorry and how much i missed you. I'd tell you, how much i want you to be my first love and the last as well.

will you come back really? will i ever see you again? i will wait for that day. and i hope when that day comes, i will have love in my heart for you. though, I don't have the audacity to hope for a happy ending. but would it be too much to forget everything and fall in love again?

Wherever you are, i hope your rage hasn't burned your heart yet.
i hope you are alright, Remoon.

I'll Wait For You,
Sebastian.