21 Murders | Harry Styles AU (discontinued)

XLIII. Torpefy

torpefy (verb):  make (someone or something) numb, paralyzed, or lifeless

Noelle's POV

My back crunches as I twist, letting out a loud snap and I internally cringe at the revolting sound. Last night while all of us were gathered around the kitchen island eating Estelle's lovely lasagna, Harry and Klara took turns graciously playing out in strict detail how their trip to Jeremy's daughter's house went.

"She didn't recognize him," Harry had said, ''-but noted that he looked familiar."

I was anxious to find out the truth, but when am I not? Being fully prepared for an instance like this will never come. What needs to eventually happen is for me to reach that point where it isn't something I stress and worry about, which will only be the aftermath of locking away this killer. So for the meantime, I refrain from thinking in such a gruel way.

The air in our apartment is warm and light from the drawn curtains trails sunshine on the tile floor. The long roof-to-floor length curtains have always been one of my favorite details of this apartment, other than the breathtaking view and fact that Harry is always rooms away at farthest.

I decide to step up to the curtain and look down at the thriving streets. I can't wait for freedom. Being locked up in this apartment isn't completely terrible, but I miss leaving the city and venturing around to stores and malls. Until this is all over, I can't see myself going anywhere without fear of risking my life.

Skyscrapers tower over this small apartment building but cast the most delicate glow of shadows and perfect lighting. The glistening pavement sparkles under the harsh rays of sun and for once I feel like smiling out of pure happiness. I've been happy, but nature at its finest is a different type of happy. The type of joyousness that makes you want to gleam and clean and absorb the fresh air.  Not even the sky is tampered with one stuffy cloud, but blindingly blue considering our latest weather forecasts.

New York City has always been bipolar, though, so this scene will be temporary. One day it will be pouring down hail, the next snow, and then the following it will turn out like this. The weather seems to match my personality in a way. I'm worried, happy, concerned, frightened, and then happy again - more so than before, at least.

The thought of Royce seeing the security camera footage from the night I assisted Estelle creates a deep, dark corner in my mind. What if he finds out and tattles? I wouldn't blame him because what I did was wrong, illegal and very sketchy. I betrayed the department's trust and even Des' because he was the one who confirmed that I could stay and help. With Harry's strong persuading, that is.

Reliving those days is quite strange. Harry and I were in an awkward place, we barely knew each other and were practically forced to spend every waking second together. Obviously I had always liked Harry, even some-what from the first time I met him. It was the constant time spent with him that helped me infiltrate his mind and learn about how it works. Basically, his looks drew me in and his amazing personality made me stay. I'm one of the only few people that has ever seen this side to him and I am proud to announce that. The other people he kept this close have all passed, and I sincerely hope I don't have the same fate.

Before my thoughts can wander to a dark place, wondering what Harry would do if I did die - if he would move on or cry or just give up, though I doubt he would, I hope he would - I place my hand on the warm glass and stare into my reflection.

My cheeks look more lively and something about my reflection staring back at me makes me feel older. Not in a physical sense, but in a perception of maturity. These few months have made me grow up, see the world, find myself to lose myself again, and then be shown the wonders of what life can really be. I no longer worry about what my mother thinks of me, just how I wish we would have a real mother-daughter relationship instead of this nonexistent bond.