Love Or Lust ( Finding Who WE Are )

Is It Love?

As we lyed there together I thought to myself briefly. I mean I've been to the reals of hell and back when it cones to our relationship. Yes he's cheated big deal. I mean all boys cheat at one point of a time, right? I know I love him that's the only reason I stay. It's so hard not to walk away and try to forget or care about what we had together. I mean numerous of times hes said I love you but those words were never pure. How can I compete with someone that lives in the same house as him. Yes I've said it same house! His so called long distance cousin has moved in with them knowing she has two homes she can go to. This broke my heart completely and there's no picking up the pieces. No-One knows the hurt I hold deep down inside because I hide it and I hide it damn well. I'm not going to be known as some weak bitch. Naw, o can't have that at all. I'm strong I can handel anything that comes my way or at least I want to believe that. Sometimes I do get tired of putting up this front, of pretending, of trying to make myself happy knowing I'm really hurt. James isn't the only person to blame for the hurt I have actually most of the men in my life and myself are to take blame. When I was five years old my uncle used to start giving me baths and sometimes as I thought his hand was just accidentally slipping in the wrong places. Till about a couple months ago it escalated to taking showers with him, then the games of truth or dare began and the touching , and the oral sex. I mean it escalated to 3 of my cousins doing the same to me. I was so young and innocent I didn't know what I was experiencing. I was taught that my body was precious and that where I was being touched were "no no spots" . I was frightened and afraid to tell anyone what I were experiencing. I was introduced to sex at a young age which made me feel dirty, nasty, unwanted and ugly. O was robbed of my childhood something I can't get back! My father died when I were 6 month's old so during my early childhood I had no protector no one to save me from those dark night's and harsh times. Now that I'm older and found James someone I can't tell everything and someone who cares I feel safe. Yes he's not perfect and he make mistakes I just cant leave him. The fact that I let him in on my past and willing had sex with him for the first time I feel as if I'm a part of him. I know some people will say that I wasn't a virgin when I met him but that's not true. See losing your virginity is having sex willingly and when your ready. James is my hero. There have been times where I have been on the phone with the suicidal crisis hotline crying about to take my own life and he made me feel better. Those calls began to be so frequent that they know me by name. He keeps me from going over the deep end and that's what I love. I cant imagine life without him. I need him in my life and will do anything to keep him. Lately I have been in a deep depression ever since his cousin China moved in with him. I feel threated in my relationship. I mean she taunts me because she lives there every night while I'm a tf home and only have trust to rely on even when that has been broken. I'm hoping and praying that what James says this time will be true.