D.M. Hate.

Ch.8

I stayed outside for the remainder of the afternoon. If something happened or was happening I could stop it if I was close by, or maybe she would change her mind and come to me before anything did. She'd know where to find me then. But no such thing happened and I sat on the grass until I could hear the group of boys going back into the castle. I lay on my back after a moment, closing my eyes. It was crisp and cool then, but I didn't mind it.
I heard footsteps and shot up.
"Calm down, it's just me."
James.
"Oh, hi."
"I saw you sitting there and I didn't want to snitch so I just waited for the rest of the guys to go inside."
"Cool, thanks," I say, clipped.
He sat beside me, a foot from where I was.
"You never got back to me about hanging out, Mae," he sounded disappointed, "I was kind of looking forward to catching up with you."
That stabbing guilt came back in the shape of his saddened face.
"Im sorry, James, Im just—"
"I know you're busy, it's okay, I understand."
We sit for a few minutes in each other's company. I wanted to hug him and tell him how sorry I was, to say that I was so stupid for saying what I did to him those few months ago. But I stayed silent like always.
"Mae?"
"Yes?"
He looked like he was thoroughly contemplating what he wanted to say in the next few seconds, "Before you shut me down and say that nothing is wrong or that you truly do not want to see me anymore, please just listen to me."
I nod.
"Okay," he sighs, relieved, "I am your brother and I know that our lives have been super tough without mom and dad, even with aunt Jan and Marge, but I need you to know that whatever it is you are keeping from me, I can handle," he continues still thoughtfully, "my biggest problems have always been shared with you and I think that if theres something so terrible thats happened to you, it's only fair that we both have to burden it— not that I would feel burdened by you or anything, but obviously its a big thing that you are hiding and I just know that if I had to deal with mom and dads death alone, without you, it would've been unbearable," he takes one more deep breath, "so please, Maeve, do not push me away anymore and tell me what happened."
I try and keep myself from saying anything, feeling myself hesitate for only a split second before completely breaking down. I sobbed longer and harder than I've allowed myself to since mom and dad died and I let James hug me at last. I cried and cried, telling James everything that I have been keeping from him these past months. About Peter, Gretchen, why I couldn't tell him anything about it all. I cried into his arms until my body was too physically weak to cry anymore. All the while I didn't hear him say a single word, only nodded with a cold expression on his face. Half the time I couldn't see his face at all because of my tears.
"I—m so sorry James, Im so sorry, I should have never lied to you, I should have told yo—"
He hugs me tighter, "no, Mae, you did exactly what you needed to. Any other way would have rushed you."
His demeanor was unrevealing and for a second I wondered if I had imagined telling him anything.
"Will you still be friends with Peter?"
He looks appalled, "No! There is no way in fucking hell I am ever going to— I'll sooner kill him— Im going to kill him!"
Finally his face washes over with emotion and I know he heard everything I said.
"Thank you, James," I chuckle, "I really do hate him but that isn't necessary. You would get in a huge load of trouble if you got in any kind of altercation with him."
"I could quit Quidditch. Honestly I don't want to be anywhere near him now, I mean— I can't believe I was friends with that guy." He looks absolutely disgusted.
"Don't quit Quidditch," I say, honestly, "You love it and you're really good at it. If anything, Peter should be kicked from the team, but please don't tell anyone, I really don't want word spreading."
He nodded, "Im really sorry, Maeve, seriously. I wish I could've been there for you at the time, and I just can't shake the feeling that if Id never been friends with him none of this would've happened to you."
I shake my head, "No, James, don't feel guilty. Thats one of the reasons I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you blaming yourself."
"Alright, I'll try."
We spend the rest of our time together on the grass filling each other in on the happenings during the last time we spoke. I told him about Bells and how much she reminded me of him. He was relieved at least that Peter and he weren't roommates.
James and I snuck back into the castle, through the corridors. I walked with him to the Slytherin common room and we hugged outside the door before he walked through.
"Goodnight, I love you" he smiled at me.
"I love you too."
It felt like an enormous weight had just been lifted from my chest, I was so elated. All this time Id believed that not telling anyone would be the best for everyone, but now that Id told James it was as if the past was already just a far and distant bad memory. I had my brother back and now nothing could hurt me the way Peter Davis had.
I began my way back to the Hufflepuff common room, feeling so light with this new calmness. I almost forgot to try and stay hidden, but I realized in time to not get caught by a passing professor. Snape? Not sure.
But as I made an attempt at turning a corner, I bumped into something. A hand covered my mouth and I looked up to see Malfoy. My eyes widened. Shit. I start to question whether it would be better to get caught by Snape or remain in the arms of someone who practically said they wanted to murder me only a few days ago.
Expelled or murdered? I didn't get the chance to decide because Malfoy pulled me into a nearby abandoned classroom.
"What are you doing out here so late?" I whisper shout at him.
"I was just on my way to my common room!" He snarls, "what were you doing in the dungeons?"
I cross my arms, "I don't need to tell you that."
He stretches his neck in agitation, "I see then, you were with Zabini, is it?"
I almost laugh, "What? No, I wasn't."
He steps closer to me, "Oh yeah? What were you doing waiting for him outside quidditch practice?"
"Wh—what? That's not at all what I was doing!"
He rolls his eyes, "Don't lie, Benton, you're terrible at it."
"Well Im not lying—" then I remember my original reason for being outside in the first place. Malfoy was partially correct.
"See?" He smirks, stepping closer to me, standing just two feet from me. I was just barely backed up against a table.
"Alright, I was going to see him to ask a question, thats all," I throw my hands up in exasperation, "but I didn't even end up asking him, so stop it."
"Okay..." He says feigning a thought. His gaze trails over my face slowly.
"Stop it," I say.
He cocks his head to the side, "hm?"
"You're being annoying, I want to go to bed, so move."
"Woah, Benton, I haven't said anything, you can relax," he's looking lazily at me, staring for too long.
I blush slightly, "Sorry, I am just tired."
"Sorry?" He says, the corner of his mouth quirking.
"Yes, I shouldn't lash out like that."
"I don't mind it," he says, slightly closer this time.
"But Im a nuisance to you," I say it almost as a question.
He snickers, "a nuisance?"
"Yes. You hate me."
"Very much."
"Malfoy, stop it, its weird." I say finally, noticing my hands are gripping the table.
He steps back, "I'm sorry," he frowns, "I— I forgot you— you said—"
I tilt my head in question, "what did I say?"
"You hated me," he says sorrow evident in his brow, "you told me so and I forgot, I mistake this— your actions,—I apologize. Goodnight."
And he turns swiftly to walk out the door. I am surprised to feel a hollowness in my chest at his departure, and even more so at what I do next.
I walk quickly to the door and run after him. I grab his sleeve, making him turn around.
"What now, Benton?" He doesn't sound irritated, more desperation tracing his voice.
"I just—" I couldn't think of what to say.
"You wanted to pull me around and make me say things to you that make you feel good about yourself, right?"
"No!"
"Then what is it, Benton?"
"I don't know." I say finally. I didn't know. Why did I pull him back? Why did it pain me to let go?
"Well then, walk away now, because I can't do it a second time tonight."
I shudder, "Don't tell me how to leave, Malfoy, because I can guarantee you that nothing you say will determine a single one of my actions!"
His brows draw together, "then what, Benton? What could you possibly need from me? Do you despise me so much that you wish to torment the parts of my heart that remain? Do you hate me so much?"
"Why do you care that I hate you?" I wail, "all you have ever done is say what a horrible nuisance I am to you! And if you must know, Malfoy, I do not hate you! You are the one who hates me! On multiple occasions you have clearly informed me of your complete and utter dislike for me and my character!" I take a deep breath, "you hate me, Malfoy, don't try and say it's the other way around because I know your heart better than you think!"
" Maybe I do hate you!" He shouts " if this is what hate is then fuck, I do! But I have never known hatred to torture a heart!"  his voice is caught, but he recovers himself, stepping closer, within inches of me "I tell you from the very depths of my soul, Maeve, and you must know that my intentions have nothing to do with what you describe." His breath is so close to my face, and his eyes stare so deeply into mine.
I cannot speak. My heart does not feel as if it were beating rapidly, but still and pushing against my chest, begging to be free from its cage. The stars are more bright than they ever were.
"No." Why did I say that? Why did I—
"What?" He lets out a sigh.
"I don't— believe you."
"What do you mean?" The desperation that traces his voice has become thin.
"You're lying, I know you are because you want to murder me, you've said so to my face."
He looks completely bewildered at what I said, "I— I what?!"
"You said you would send me to my parents, only a few days ago!"
He scoffs, "well thats hardly what I would call murder!" He sounds almost shocked with amusement.
"You mean—? What else could that mean? Was it just to mock me?"
"I admit it was not a kind thing to say, but I was only threatening to expel you, and I don't understand how that could be confused for murder." He says utterly appalled.
"But my parents are dead," I say, slowly. And for the very first time I said it fully as if it were a simple fact, and not full of baggage and uncomfortable openings for sympathy.
His jaw drops, "They— what."
"They're dead," I say again, "I thought you knew."
His eyes are wide, "I did not, believe me."
"Oh," I don't know what to say.
"Im sorry, Benton, I truly did not know."
I shake my head, attempting to process what this all meant.
"It's okay, Im just going to go to bed now, Im feeling really tired."
He nods his head, "yes, absolutely, I can walk you to your common room."
"You dont have to, Malfoy."
"You're practically sleepwalking, Benton. I couldn't go to bed knowing you might wake up on a broom stick floating above the black lake."
At that moment I realized just how much my knees and eyelids ached and I had to agree.
We begin our way to the common room and Malfoy holds my waist to support me as I tiredly walk.
By the time we arrive, Im practically nodding off already.
"You okay to go inside alright?" He says.
"Mhm," I say, eyes closed and my head turned up to face him.
He chuckles, "Benton," he hesitates, "I— you have to open your eyes for me..."
I open them slowly, grinning lazily, I felt like a drunkard.
His eyes were looking deep into mine and his brows were drawn together in a way that made me think of the faces in the painting "The Last Day of Pompeii" . The grotesque image entered my mind and for a moment I almost felt like crying again, in my deliriousness, but I didn't.
"Thank you," he said it so softly it was almost imperceptible.
"Can you come in with me?" I ask.
He shakes his head slowly, "Im afraid I can't stay in there for long."
A rush of cooling air goes through me, waking me , "Tracey, I forgot. Im sorry."
He looks confused, "Tracey?"
"Your girlfriend," I confirm.
He shakes his head in realization, "oh, yes of course. Goodnight, Maeve."