The Only Reason

Chapter 5

Hey guys sorry for taking so long to update! I've had to finish off college work and didn't have enough time to update this as often as I liked to but I'm back now and shall try to regularly update from now on!
WARNING: this chapter may be rather triggering for those who are battling depression at the moment so if you would want to miss that part out do not read after the end of the flashback or this chapter at all. I am always here to talk to if you need a shoulder to cry on! I hope you enjoy this chapter!
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*Ell's POV*
By the time I finally arrived home the entire place was empty. Fine by me I'd rather be alone than have to go through a series of twenty questions with everyone. As predicted Andy left his cigarettes out on the counter, I picked up the box and lit one putting the rest in my pocket. I'll give him the money for a new box later. Whilst taking drags I rummaged around in my cupboards for alcohol. Any alcohol will do just to numb this pain and make me sleep for as long as I can. I put my hands on a bottle of Jack knowing this would do just fine. I teared off the lid taking a gulp of the brown liquid. It felt good running down my throat the feeling of it subsiding the numb feeling he had left in my body. Before I take another swig I hear keys in the door, I quickly put the lid back on the bottle putting the bottle in my flight bag and the cigarette I was smoking out the back door before anyone saw.
"Thank god you're home safe sweetheart we were worried sick about you are you okay, was the flight okay?" The worried and concerned voiced said and came from someone I didn't expect. Michael's mum. As suspected they went on a search party for me due to my absence of not comming home yet. I turn around to face the worried faces of mum, dad, Andy, Bradie and both of Michael's parents. As I scanned their faces I see the fear, relief and sorrow in their faces. I looked at Karen to see she had the look of shame written all over her face as for the things her son did to me. I can't show I'm weak. Not now, not yet.
"Hey, yeah I'm fine." I reassure them slowly scared of what emotion could drop and how it could come out of my mouth next. "Sorry for the worry my phone died." I lied. "And I sorta lost track of time. But I'm okay I promise." I say with a humble smile I know everyone can see through. I look at Karen and Daryl and see the sheer disappointment they have on their faces knowing their son is the reason why I am such a mess. I turn to go up the stairs heading to my room. As I reach the bottom of the stairs I stop to look at Michael's parents. "Please don't feel like this is your fault. You had nothing to do with his actions. I promise you I'm not mad at you both at all." I reassured them once more before turning back to go up the stairs. I walk past the rooms where my younger siblings sleep. Since bringing me to the family mum had three more babies. 1 boy, 2 girls. Chris is 5, Ashley is 3 and Layla is 6 months old. I see Shaun appear from the bathroom looking at me with a pitiful look.
"Why does everyone keep giving me that face."
"I dunno witch." ha witch they still call me that now even at 17. "I think we're just all so shocked.
"The feelings mutual." there was a thick air between us both before someone decided to speak.
"You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah. I always am aren't I."
"Alright if you wanna get away me and Brooke welcome you at ours okay."
I just nodded at him before going to my room. When I got inside I noticed everything was still the same as before I left. Posters all on my wall. My make-up and hair dressing equipment left deserted on my desk. Looking back at it all made me laugh for the first time in two days but then it went very quickly as I looked to the wall my bed was closest to. I look at it to see the picture board that hung on that wall. Grabbing it down I sat on my bed looking at the tiny photos that were tacked to it. I look at the pictures of my fondest memories at the time. Like when we had a pizza day at school and me and Michael snuck four boxes from the hall to Eat out on the to ourselves with Calum Luke Aliesha and Geordie. The school disco where we had to dress 'formal' and I turned up in a hideous pink dress but rocked into the hall wearing a dressy white shirt and jeans because hey they said it had to be formal right? I laughed at all these memories until I saw one photo that made me feel ten times more down than Michael cheating on me. My brother Finn.
*Flashback to when I was 12*
"Mikey hurry up and get you ass down here if you wanna learn to play guitar." Finn yelled to Michael as he was trying to shove as many chicken nuggets into his mouth to finish up before my brother started our lesson.
"What took you so long fringe boy. Too worried your food would come back to life and run away again?"
"Aha funny funny. You gonna actually remember how to hold the guitar properly this time Brit girl."
"Alright you two pack it in now so we can start." Finn and Andy were teaching us a new song to play on our guitars this week. They've been doing this now for about two months. Every week they'd teach us a new song to play on our guitars and by the end of the week we had to preform it the best we could infront of our mums and dads Andy, Bradie and Shaun. This week it was Remembering Sunday by All Time Low. Me and Mikey spent every time we had together at home and at school practising this song because we wanted this one to be just perfect. I think back to that Saturday evening when we had to preform it only this time we had a bigger audience in our back yard. Normally it was just mum, dad, Andy, Bradie, Karen and Daryl. Only this time watching us preform were the normal lot plus Shaun, Luke, Calum, and both their families too. To say the pressure was on was a little bit of an understatement!
"Hey you feeling okay, you're shaking." Mikey asked me looking real concerned.
"Yeah I'm fine it's just, Yano."
"More people here than usual?"
"Yeh. But not just that, I'm gonna actually be singing tonight I mean I've never sang infront of anyone before! Only to myself. What about if I'm not good?"
"It'll be fine, you'll be fine trust me okay? I'll be with you every step of the way. I love you to the moon and back remember? You are my best friend at the end of the day!"
And there it was the heart ache of him only seeing me as a best friend. He pulled me into a hug as I said "I love you too." knowing it meant completely different to his. He kissed me on my forehead and held me there for a moment. I never wanted this moment to end but sadly my brothers did just that.
"Cmon you two we're all waiting for you!" Andy complained.
"Yeah besides you two can finish that-" pointing between us both - "later! So yeh hurry your asses up!" Finn added in. Just then me and Michael got our guitars ready as we waited to preform.
"Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and girls. And bumps." Finn said as he went over and rubbed mums tummy. We all laughed at his last comment. "Performing this weeks song Remembering Sunday I give you Australia's very own mixed version of All Time Low and a young Short Stack, Michael Clifford and Elanor Clemmensen!" Everyone cheered and clapped after we got announced. Michael started it off playing the recognisable rift that you hear when the song first begins. Michael singing flawlessly as usual along to all the words with such passion it made me weak at the knees I was pulled out of my day dream when I recognised the part I had to sing. Alright here goes nothing.
"I'm not coming back (forgive me)
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak (I'm not calling, I'm not calling)
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just (You're driving me crazy, I'm)
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head."

I kept my eyes closed not wanting to see anyone's reaction. The silence was killing me, that was until Michael started back up his signing to finish up the song. Once we finished I opened my eyes to see everyone looking for a better word ecstatic! They clapped and cheered us once it was all over. A sigh of relief left my chest.
"Holy shit Ell where did that come from?!"
"CalumHood."
"Sorry mum."
"He's right Mrs Hood! Ellie why have you never sang before? That was out of this world!" Luke chimed in. I looked over to see Michael tensing up at Luke's comment which was odd.
"Dunno, just never thought I was that great."
"You're joking right? You sounded better than some of the opening acts we've had when touring aus!" Shaun added in.
"Thanks guys it really means a lot." I smiled feeling a little uncomfortable that the attention was on me suddenly. I think Mali picked up on it straight away by looking at me.
"Yeah that was brilliant guys and Michael your guitar skills have gotten so much better too! You preformed that effortlessly!" Mali chimed in.
"Thanks Mali means a lot."
"See and you wanted to ditch those guitar lessons." Karen chimed in making me laugh.
"Muuuummm." Michael groaned out, typical teenage reaction for ya there. Everyone soon got into their own conversations shortly after Luke came up to me as Michael walked away not wanting to be near him.
"Wow Ellie you were amazing!" He said as he gave me a hug
"Thanks Hemmo! Glad you came to see us preform!"
"Nawh it was nothing really."
"Cal told me you're gonna start posting covers onto YouTube soon!"
"Yeah I'm gonna do my first one tonight when I go home. Hopefully it'll get views."
"I'm sure it will Lu I've heard you sing with Aliesha you're really good at it."
"Thanks, hey maybe if it's a success you can do a cover with me too!"
"Yeah, we'll see!" I mimicked him as he walked away. I went to put my guitar down when Michael came up and hugged me from behind.
"You did it! You did it!"
"Yeah I did now please put me down before I feel sick!" I joked to witch I was put down instantly.
"Honestly Ell I didn't realise you could sing that well I mean you were - wow." He said breathless.
"Thank you Mikey you weren't so bad yourself!" We got interrupted by Finn talking about us to mum and the rest of the family and friends there.
"I'm telling you now these two -" pointing at me and Mikey - "they're gonna get really far in life."
*end of flash back.*

I looked at the picture of me and my brother taken that night. All the pain and emotion I had got the best of me as I started to sob my heart out into the sheets. Why did he have to go so soon? Why did he have to leave? Forgetting about the bottle of Jack and cigs I pulled them out of my bag and lit a smoke as I drank from the bottle. I looked at the picture beside me of me and Mikey that Ash had taken when I seen them preform in Sydney last month. I looked at it thinking of how happy I was when it was taken. If only I knew what was really going on. I needed to relieve my frustration and pain that was dragging me down. I look down at my wrists running my fingers along the scars of my past. Was I really thinking like that again after being clean for so long. Looking at the pencil sharpener on my desk I let me feet, hands and emotion doing my thinking grabbing the sharpener and breaking it open to get the blades. I looked at it for a moment contemplating whether or not I should be doing this. 'Oh Fuck It.' I thought. It's true when they say old habits die hard.