NIKKI & JOE, CASUALLY | ✓

14: best idiot in the city

            'Cause I can feel it and I cannae let any of you tell me I dinnea. You have your phantom leg and I have a phantom penis.'

Caleb raises his hands, managing to drop half of his cards as he does. 'I support my girl's right to have a penis, phantom or otherwise. Oh, thanks, baby girl,' he adds when I hand him the collected cards. 'You didn't look, did you?'

'Do it matter? You're losing on purpose to get to drink. It's your turn.'

'Fake news!' He smacks an ace over the two, flips over the deck, and adds a queen to the hearts with a doting look at Eilidh. 'For you, my love.'

'Reckon we're all more than happy to take your word for it,' Parker says, reviving the previous conversation as they fish ice cubes out of their glass to eat. They're wearing a pink friendship bracelet with "they/them" woven into it to indicate their pronouns for the moment. 'I'm not gonna cut mine off to prove you wrong.'

'Do you get to keep it afterwards?' Allan asks between fistfuls of peanuts.

Rishi looks a second away from committing suicide via plastic straw. 'Why would she want to keep it?'

Allan shrugs. 'I was just asking. Anyway, can we grab scran after this game? I really can't eat any more nuts—I'm allergic and everything's itchy.'

Eilidh, still relatively new to the group, seizes the bowl from him, leaving a trail of salted peanuts across the table. 'Why are you eating them if you're allergic?'

'Granda says you have to expose yourself to things to build up tolerance. And I'm so hungry.'

Eilidh stares at him with such intense concern, I wouldn't be surprised if her face gets stuck like that. Caleb leans in to her. 'See, this is why he's HIV positive.'

I nudge his foot with mine, shaking my head when he looks up. 'Too far.'

It takes a second to process and his eyes widen. 'Sorry, Allan.'

'All good,' Allan says with a genuine smile. 'You take crystal meth and try to make responsible decisions after.'

'Fair enough.' Caleb watches Parker check each of their cards only to take a drink when none of them are playable. 'Anyways, I have the best dick. I can make it whatever size or shape at any given time. I can have a tentacle for a dick if I want. Can any of you lot say that? No. I win.'

Rishi sneers. 'We're not hosting RuPaul's Best Penis Race.'

'Spoken like a loser. You can all suck my dick. And I've got enough to go around. So it is anatomically possible for you all to do it at the same time.'

'Can we stop talking about penises? Why do you people always have to talk about penises?'

'Because the rest of us like them, Rishi. But fine: baby girl, you should ask Joe to join us to the chippy.'

I choke on my virgin mojito. Everyone turns to me and I can't help but glance in the direction of the bar, though of course it's not visible through all the people crowded on the dancefloor. It's the first Friday after unis have started and though Sasha usually keeps the Spectrum age limit at twenty because eighteen-year-olds are annoying, he's not gonna miss the opportunity to capitalise on freshers; we've been fully packed since ten pm.

I turn back to find Caleb smirking. 'I said you'd be into her. You always had a thing for short women.'

'I don't have a thing for short women. Most women just are shorter than me.'

'Eilidh's taller than you.'

I raise my eyebrows. 'D'you want me to be into your girlfriend?'

'You better be. She's fucking fit and you know it.'