Silver Lining

thirty one.

Before getting pregnant I had only ever been to a gynaecologist once for a cervical screening and the idea of getting naked from my waist down made me so anxious that I'd cried the morning of, but now as my doctor tells me to drop my pants and get on the bed, I don't even blink an eye.

I've become so comfortable with my doctor during these appointments that the only thing I'm dreading about this cervical check is how it's going to feel when she does it and not if she's judging every inch of me down there.

"Again, you can refuse this check, but if you're okay with me going ahead, I will get started right away," my doctor says, putting on some gloves as she walks over to the bed where I'm lying with my legs up and a sheet over me.

"It's more than fine," I tell her, just as Nathan takes my hand, sitting down next to me on the stool provided.

"Is there anything you are concerned about?" Nathan asks a question that has been spiralling my mind.

"No concerns," she assures, smiling over at me, "But because you are carrying twins and your bump has dropped since I last saw you, I want to see if your cervix is dilated."

"Doesn't dilation mean I'll be going into labour soon? Isn't it way too early?" I stress, trying not to panic over information I know little about.

"Until I know exactly how dilated you are and if you even are, I can't give you an exact answer, but I will say the cervix can be dilated to one centimetre for weeks before the beginning of labour. This extent of dilation only signals that the cervix is starting to prepare for it, so it's nothing at all to worry about, many women start to do so from their second trimester even," she assures me, lifting the sheet from my legs, "Do you mind if I start?"

"Of course," I mumble, thinking over the information she's just told me.

After a couple of minutes of discomfort, she takes off her gloves and covers me back up with the sheet, "So, the good news is you are one centimetre dilated."

Relief and dread fill me at the same time, "How long do you think I have until labour starts?"

"There simply is no telling, you could very much take this pregnancy to full term, but due to the twins' size and the fact you are only small, I'd start preparing for an arrival as early as next week. There is no guarantee for that, I may be seeing you in two months having a conversation similar to this with these babies still in here."

"Would they be healthy if I was to give birth now?" I ask as it's my only concern.

"Their lungs aren't fully developed, so if you were to give birth, they would need help with breathing," she tells me honestly, "But the survival rate is very high if you were to do so and they would most likely be okay. As I told you earlier, Baby A near your pelvis is weighing an estimated four pounds and two ounces, and Baby B is only two ounces behind them at four pounds, so they're growing well. I have no worries at all because there are no signs that labour is near yet, Iris."

"Okay, okay, that's good," I sigh, putting my hand on my belly, "I just want to keep them safe."

"You already are," Nathan squeezes my hand, and I smile over at him, "Don't stress until we need to, yeah?"

"Yeah," I nod, agreeing even though I doubt I'll be able to stop stressing until they arrive, whenever that may be.

✯✯✯

As expected my stress levels haven't lowered since we left my appointment and now while everyone sleeps, I find myself sitting on the floor of the nursery with my legs crossed to pack their hospital bag.