JENRY 💚🧡

Vent + news abt chapter

Hey

So, uh, I've never really vented on Wattpad before, but I'm here, so how do I get into this.

I feel like shit and I know none of my friends want to hear about it.

I have had body dysphoria for a while, and I used to have eating disorders. I used to like not eat for a few days but then binge on things people found out after I refused to eat at school (aka two of my friends).

It all started when one of my friends called me fat and just continued she called everyone obese since she is very, very skinny and loved it.

Nobody could ever call her fat without her knowing they were lying, and when some call her skinny, she would just thank them and be like "YEA I KNOW IM SKINNY :) ."

Anyway she is a good friend she just doesn't know when she crosses the line she is really kind to people she likes so please don't be mad at her.

So anyway, that ED went away for a while until yesterday when my parents were talking about it and was like, "She is coming up to your weight (my step mum's weight), so the bath will be to shallow soon and that just made me wanna cry right then I pretend to not know what they ment.

I was already insecure since I have swimming at school in two weeks and now I really don't wanna eat all I can think about is how hungry I am but I need to not eat for at least five days just to look pretty and be liked by people.

I've been in my room all day cause if I go into the kitchen, I feel like I will binge on the easter eggs I got yesterday.

I have a timer on the last time I ate, and the more it goes up, the better I feel, and it's time for dinner right now. I feel so sick the smell makes me wanna cry.

I didn't eat it they don't know I didn't they can't even remember what they said yesterday it was just another Sunday to them while it's been repeating in my head for the whole night and day.

I'm so tired, but I slept until two. I want to sleep. it's getting so hard to move. When I see the food they put in front of me, I'm no longer happy, just scared.

Scared of the scale. Scared of swimming. Scared of being ugly. Scared of starving to death. Scared of relapses. Scared of people talking about me getting smaller. Scared of death. Scared of living. I'm scared that I will turn into skin and bones.

This book and my other one were a way of putting how I felt into a story for many people to enjoy. People read and talk in the comments that's a reason I keep going this place is like a home to me so comforting in a world I feel so alone but her I can just be with you all.

I just can't bring myself to eat anymore. I've tried to fight my heart, but everything became too loud. I've started to enjoy hunger and the coldness of water on an empty stomach it took a long time, but it happened. I used to think people were over exaggerating when they said that, but I know how it felt and the calmness going with it every atom in my body saying I'm doing well saying just a little longer and we will stop.

Passing out in school and getting low iron all the time isn't fun or a trend. After I drink water, my stomach growles since I used to drink it on an empty stomach so much I think my brain connected it with hunger. I'm not sure.

All I know is that I wanna be perfect, not how I am now. I want to be a person who people fall in love. I want to be happy with my body. I want to be chosen first. I want to stop hating every inch of myself. I just want to be loved again.

Sorry for the vent after being gone for so long. A new chapter is coming soon, I'll try to make it this week if I have the motivation to grab my phone. I'm so tired. I've barely been awake today lol.