I Care a Little Bit - Rant Book Part 3

...and we're back

"so don't tell me i've been acting different, i'm nothing if i'm not consistent / you knew everything you'd be getting, i told you right from the beginning / now you're on my case, how could i go? / you never dreamed i'd be so cold / and then with venom on your tongue, you ask me who i have become..."

- "girl i've always been" by olivia rodrigo

well, hi there. it's been a while.

if you're new to my rants (considering this is on a completely different account because wattpad literally won't let me back into my old one, literally so sad about it, most of you probably are), my name is aly. i am 21 years old, i use they/them pronouns, and i graduated college this past december.

(that's the very basic introduction to me, i'm sure i'll get more into myself later on in this book, considering the fact i'm going to use it as a fucking diary)

when i was in middle school, i decided to write a "rant book" to document my daily life (which was oh-so-interesting as a middle schooler, i know), and i was pretty good about updating regularly, up until i got into high school. then, my updates dwindled down until they didn't exist anymore, and my second rant book - created due to the fact that the first rant book was too full and wattpad would not let me create any more parts - came to an abrupt end. i'm currently re-reading said rant books, which is a weird experience in itself, but i have not reached the abrupt ending yet, so i'm really not sure where i ended my life stories on this website.

to get it out of the way, no, i am not going to link the rant books or state what the titles were. those, i consider nowadays, are for me to look back on and (cringe) reminisce on my middle school/partial high school life - which was the point of writing them in the first place. but some of the things i wrote in there are too incredibly cringy that i cannot fathom anyone else but me reading them again, so they will remain my own online diaries for me.

since my rants ended so abruptly, i've been pondering for a few years now about starting them back up again, just to document my early adult life and really compare/contrast myself and how much i have grown. it's really just a personal growth thing for me, so if this ends up getting absolutely no reads, i'm not going to be heartbroken about it. again, this is my personal online diary (except in this one i have grown enough to know what's too cringe to put on the internet forever, a luxury my twelve year old self did not have). it was always sort of like therapy to me, writing in the rant book. i definitely needed actual therapy, but that was the next best thing. it was also a really great way to let my friends know what was going on in my life and to express the feelings that i really couldn't articulate (autism!!! it was autism, babe!!!). writing was always a great outlet for me to articulate what i couldn't put into words, and i found it so incredibly helpful throughout those years i was writing in it, so i thought maybe it could help as i transition into the..."real world", as everyone is calling it. (what about it is so "real" anyways?)

so if you do know me in real life, hi! also, sorry. not sure for what, just yet, but i'm sure there will be something.

this first entry might be long, just so i can update on the biggest parts of my life since i last ranted on this website, circa 2017 (god, what that really almost eight years ago???) because a LOT has gone down.

first things first, if you did read my last rant book (again, unlikely, because wattpad literally WONT LET ME IN THE ACCOUNT UGH), we left off with me being ftm trans. as i stated earlier in this entry, i now use they/them pronouns. yeah. my gender identity has been a whole thing in itself, and i don't think there are enough words in any language to explain exactly everything that happened, but just know this: every person i have been in the past was real. that's my biggest thing: none of it was a "phase", per say. it was all real in the moment. if i had the chance to go back to high school (shudders) and do it all again, i wouldn't change a damn thing. that's who i was, and who i was got me to where i am today - i wouldn't change that for the world. long story short, i am nonbinary and use they/them pronouns as of 4/1/2024.