I Care a Little Bit - Rant Book Part 3

april 14th 2024, incomplete

(hi again! 

quick note before this part starts: i am just ranting about this so it might be just plain word vomit and might be a little out of whack/not make sense cause i am just full-on ranting without structure here.)

[written april 14th, 2024] 

i never ever want to sound ungrateful for anything that i have. i am very lucky that my dad and stepmom let me move back in with them after i graduated college, and provide me with dinners every night, a place to sleep, a warm shower, and everything else they've ever done for me. now that i'm in my twenties, that's not something they're required to do. 

however, i'm getting really fed up of being at home and not on my own. 

of course, part of it is me wanting my independence, which i got a taste of living on my own in college, and now i want it back very badly. but another (really, really big) part of it is how they treat me like an on-call babysitter and never give me my own time to just be. and when i do have time to just *exist* and decompress, i'm always judged for it. 

for a little background, my dad is kind of a work-a-holic, not in the way where he works his job all day (he is incredibly dedicated, loves his work and his coworkers and does a lot beyond the job description, but that's not what i mean for this) but in the way where he doesn't stop doing anything. it's like sometimes he can't sit still, and when he finally does get a moment, he immediately falls asleep snoring because he's so exhausted. i love him so much and i admire how dedicated he is and how he never does anything less than 100%, but that kind of lifestyle did not pass on to me. i struggle with a lot of depression and anxiety, and being autistic, it's incredibly difficult for me to have multiple days in a row where i am productive in the way that my dad is. 

also, my little sister is now ten, and she is getting to an age where she doesn't need everyone's attention all the time, 24/7. but she's in that transition phase where she does want everyone's attention a lot of the time. and me being unemployed currently and not doing much except for house chores and applying for jobs, my dad and stepmom basically fall back on me to babysit and provide that attention to her. which, if it was just a few times while they were both at work, that'd be fine, i wouldn't complain. i'm living with this mindset right now that goes, "they're letting me live here for free and provide me with food, i can do some things for them in return". 

but it hasn't been just a few times. it's all the time. i'm the go-to for everything, and i just don't have it in me to provide my sister with the attention she needs right now. being autistic, i don't function the same way that my parents (mainly dad) do. i physically don't have the mental or physical capacity to watch over a ten year old on a moment's notice - it causes shutdowns, meltdowns, short-tempers, and overall drains me in a way that's incredibly difficult to comeback from. my parents don't entirely understand this, and they think that since i don't have a job and i stay in my room when i do have free time (i'm not sleeping all the time, i just prefer to accomplish things in the comfort of my room), i must have all the energy in the world to do whatever a ten year old wants me to do. but i really don't. i love my little sister with my whole heart, and if i had it in me to give her that attention 24/7, i would. but i just don't have it. it's the biggest reason why i've decided (at this point in my life) to not have kids. i just don't have the energy/stamina to give all of my attention to someone else. 

and it sucks, because my little sister takes this as me not wanting to hang out with her and it causes her to be sad, and i don't want her to be sad, but when i tell her i don't have the energy to hang out with her, it literally means that i'm on the edge of going nonverbal and physically can't. but she doesn't understand it yet. 

so a lot of weekends i'm stuck with my little sister, her demanding all of my attention when i never had any to give in the first place. i love her so, so much, but a lot of the time i just can't.

and on top of that, my dad gets pissy at me when i "stay in my room all day"? this is something i straight up don't understand. he wants me to move downstairs instead of being in my room, but what is that going to do? i'd be doing the same damn thing downstairs that i'm doing in my room, but i'd be doing it a lot faster in my room because that's my current safe space. 

for reference, i do like to sleep in, and it has been a problem of me sleeping too much in the past, but it's gotten much better within the last few weeks. i get up every morning at 6:30 (except wednesday, when my sister has choir my dad drives her) to take my sister to the bus stop by 7:20 am to get her to school. after that, sometimes i'll decide to go back in bed and sleep for another hour or two, depending on how much i slept the night before (i struggle greatly with insomnia, and it can cause me to go 48 hours without sleeping sometimes). but sometimes i'll make myself a good breakfast (scrambled eggs and apple juice is my definition of a good breakfast lol), watch some TV, and get right onto applying for jobs or tackling any other chores i have for the day. daily chores usually include starting the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, reloading it, washing dishes after dinner, picking up any trash around the house, taking out the trash and recycling on trash day. if i have laundry i'll do that, too. by noon/1pm-ish, i'll be burnt out for the moment, and take a break. some days i will take a nap because i recognize that's what my mind/body needs at the moment. some days i'll just lay in bed and scroll through tiktok to decompress. some days i'll watch TV in the living room downstairs. some days i'll do some scrapbooking at the dining room table. it really just depends how much i have in me for the day and what i need to do/have done. but after that break, i'll get back to job stuff or chores or something else productive. a lot of the time i do this in my room. but just because i'm in my room doesn't mean i'm not doing anything? and it doesn't mean i'm ignoring people like my dad says. so, when i'm in my room during the day, there's a good chance i'm not sleeping or just "being lazy". 

but i also can't understand why he gets like this because i am twenty one years old. i'm literally an adult in my twenties. if i had my own place, i'd stay there in my down time. i'm not doing anything differently than i would if i lived in my own place. i just straight up can't comprehend what he wants me to accomplish by moving downstairs. 

i think a lot of it has to do with how driven and active my dad is, like i mentioned at the beginning. he does so much every day (and i'm so thankful for all that he does) that i think he can't understand that i don't have the capacity to do everything he does in a day. 

[unfinished rant]