• The Way Back Home •

1

Meditating, reading, walking, sleeping and watching television. Ram had tried everything; in that order. But he and his mind both remained restless. As he irritatedly tossed the remote on the bed, he sat back.

It was a Sunday. However, due to his recent accident, Ram was not allowed to move around too much. He had the heart to go out for lunch with his friends but somehow, they all rejected the idea. They all wanted him to stay at home and rest. It was something that his usual partner in crime Aditya also echoed. So he had no choice but to remain at home.

But Ram had figured that he wasn't made for rest. He had a very short attention span and he got bored very easily. Or maybe, it was a new development. There was something very weird around him.

The house felt strange to him. Ram dared not admit it aloud but at times, it felt haunted. Every time he spent time at the Mansion, he couldn't help but feel like there was something amiss. The office didn't feel any better. There were projects that he had no idea about. If it weren't for Aditya and Vikrant, Ram would have not understood anything. How had his business grown so exponentially was baffling. But Ram had attributed it to the aftermath of the accident. Perhaps, he was going to improve gradually.

Yet, the hollow sinking feeling in his chest remained. It felt like sitting with a boulder on his chest, trying to move around and understand these very new things. It was terribly unsettling.

Ram caught a glance at himself in the mirror and averted his gaze quickly. He didn't like what he saw. He somehow looked older and his eyes looked troubled. He grabbed a cushion, squeezed it into a ball and held it close to his chest. He sat like that for a hot minute, feeling calmer before the darkness started to envelop him yet again.

Ram heard Shivina call out to him. She wanted him to help her. But strangely he had talked with her a few hours ago and she was doing fine. There was nothing to worry about. He had chosen to trust his ears but then, he just couldn't hush his mind and heart. Why was he still hearing her voice was something he just didn't understand.

Every time he slept in the middle of his own bed, Ram felt weird. It felt like he was violating a rule, someone's designated space.

The more he thought of it, the desolate feeling deepened. Something was amiss and he just couldn't figure out what. Along with that sinking feeling, came the headaches. Ram's headaches were so bad that he had now fainted twice because of them. Every time he tried to think of what was wrong, he had experienced massive twilight bursts and bouts of nausea.

Sighing, Ram turned himself and stared at the ceiling.

A sudden feeling of nothingness came over him and he felt his vision swim. The ceiling moved around. He saw the night sky take over. There were stars. There were shooting stars. Ram almost smiled as he stared at the blinding sparkle. Through the corner of his eyes, he could see his father lying beside him. He pointed at a particularly bright star.

"Dekho, woh North Star hai. I love that star. We call it Dhruv tara..." Virendra looked at Ram. "You know your mother wanted to name you Dhruv? But I refused. Because I wanted to name you Ram. After all, it is not Dhruv but Ram who always listened to his parents."

Virendra then laughed.

Ram's blood curled. It wasn't the usual happy laughter that he associated with his father. It was strange. It sounded evil. And if Ram was allowed to speak the truth, it repulsed him. Backing off a little, Ram got up. He avoided looking at his father and moved towards the sitting area of the bedroom. Whatever it was, he didn't want to deal with it.

"Ram? Stop running away from your father!"

Ram heard his voice say. Shaking his head, Ram answered in a shakier voice. "No Dad...I am just walking around. My...legs are stiff."

His father laughed again. "Good. Because remember, you can run and hide but you can never escape all of this. We all love you so much."

"Ye...yes..." Ram stammered and stood behind the partition wall, trying to cower.

What was he trying to do that was beyond his grasp? Holding his head, he slid down the wall.

All the while, his insides felt as if there was nothing there. Nothing to need feeding, nothing to need nourishment. Nothing to have a need of anything at all. A voice in his head asked him to puke out whatever he had for lunch too. It had no business staying in his stomach. He couldn't eat what was meant for his family. He had no right. He couldn't eat their food. He couldn't eat their right. Ram's head hurt.

What was he even thinking about? All these thoughts were rubbish. He really didn't need to think such stuff.

"Ram?"

A soft voice broke his thoughts. Ram let out a sigh through the haze.

"What are you doing here?"

Ram looked up at Brinda's concerned face. He looked around. He didn't know what he was doing in a crook of his room. All he knew was that he was about to throw up.

"This is why I asked you to never let him be alone..." Brinda softly reprimanded Aditya but Ram heard it.

It was true that ever since he was discharged from the hospital, none of his friends had left him alone. Except for the time when he took the prescribed medicines and slept, someone or the other had always been with him. He just didn't know if that behaviour unnerved him or made him feel flattered.

"Ram?" Aditya cupped his face. "Are you okay?"

Ram nodded slightly. "Dad laughed. I was going to be...Dhruv..."

Aditya and Brinda's faces twisted in confusion. Ram just chuckled wryly because it was not possible for him to explain what he was seeing. He had tried. But the doctor had only increased his dosages and termed everything as hallucinations. Maybe they were. He didn't know. So he had just learned to ignore a few things that were happening around him.

"Okay fine," said Brinda. "I think you should go to sleep."

Ram protested. "No. I don't want to sleep."

Brinda thought for a moment before saying, "Okay, dine. Why don't we play Uno? Would you like that?"

"Uno?" Ram smiled a little. "Why?"

Brinda ruffled his hair and pulled him up. "Aise hi. Come on."

Ram obliged her and let her drag him back to the bed. The ceiling had come back on and there was no Virendra. The room didn't feel chilly. It surprisingly felt okay. Ram didn't feel at peace but still, it wasn't suffocating him. For a few passing moments, Ram felt nice. Even happy. But then again, when did he not feel happy with Aditya and Brinda?

As he held the cards between his fingers, Ram's first thought was Shivina and Shubham playing it. He also vaguely remembered another girl playing Uno with him but he couldn't place a name for her. Neither could he remember her name. There was just a fond feeling of him playing this game with someone like Shivina. Someone who was a sister to him.

"Bri..." Ram started. "Am I forgetting a lot of things? Or people?"

For a moment, Brinda went still. But she shook her head quickly and recovered. "No silly. Not too much. It's just the after-effects of the concussion you had. You will be better soon. Okay?"

Ram had no choice but to say okay. Then he remained quiet as the game progressed. He had to stay put for Aditya and Brinda. They didn't deserve any more tension. He just couldn't tell them that his heart felt like it was in shambles, his mind was swirling and it hurt to even think of living another day. He would stay. He had to.