May 15th
She said it.
Those three words.
Those three simple words like it was no big deal. She breathed them as if it didn't hurt her to say them, and like she was just waiting to. Like they were always on the tip of her tongue, ready to be said. She held my hands in her own, and the most innocent of smiles was on those lips.
And I think my heart actually stopped.
I didn't expect that. I've heard them before, but never like this, never so honest or sincere, without ulterior motive or hidden agenda. And it hurt to hear them. It hurt, and I don't know why. You always imagine that you should feel elation when someone you care about says them to you. But I felt my heart stop, and that wall close in. I felt an ache start in my chest, and those hands feeling heavier with each breath, and I don't know why.
Before I heard them, before the kiss and the rules, being near her was easy. It was still new, and unlabeled. It was fun. I could hide behind that fact. I could just be. But then I kissed her, and then she said them, and my walls got higher. Where I found myself only days ago wanting to be closer to her, I now find myself moving further away. Scared of something I'm afraid to even put a name to, because if it has a name, it becomes real. And if it becomes real, then these walls I've worked so hard to put up will fall away, and she'll see the real me, the me that I'm scared to show her. I hate being vulnerable around her, because then it just becomes easier for her to break me. My heart isn't safe with her.
I did imagine myself saying them though, when we were in the taxi on the way back to the hotel. I was testing them out, even if I wasn't going to say them. Just seeing how it felt, not knowing that she was probably doing the same. She was sitting slumped on the leather back seat, looking at me with those eyes; the ones that make everything else fade away. A part of me just wanted to stare at her, without having her stare back. I thought it would make looking at her easier. I thought without those eyes, the deep emotion that comes with them would just be shut off. I would be able to breathe again.
I was wrong.
When I asked her to close them, I could still feel every part of her. Every sighing breath, every minute movement of her lips, every wave of heat that came off of her skin. It was intoxicating. It clouded my judgment, and I was so close to kissing her in that moment. It would have been so easy, and the feeling of her lips against mine would have been better than any drug. I got so close. But once again, I got scared and pulled away, afraid of letting myself feel. Then I thought that maybe just her hand might be safe, that creating this distance between us would be enough.
But again, I was wrong.
Just the feeling of her, not just a single or certain part, but everything makes my skin, and my heart, and my body react. This shouldn't happen. When I asked her to come with me, it was only a small warmth in my chest. Not this feeling. Not this ache. And then she asked me, and I lied. She asked me why, and I told her it was just the drugs. But the truth is, even just the thought of it being more than that makes my chest hurt, and I can't breathe. And I don't know why. I don't know why I won't allow myself to feel. I can't be that afraid of being hurt, can I?
I know I'm falling for her; I'm not naïve enough to think differently. I've known that for a while now. I just don't know what that means. I've never felt like this before about anybody, nor has anyone shown me what she has in such a short time. And that's what scares me the most, that she can feel that for me. I don't see what she sees in me. All I see is broken, and dark. I don't see how she can say those three words to me after only ten days. She doesn't know me.
