Ever After (ONC 2024)

Chapter 8 - Don't Feed the Trolls

 The bridge felt rickety as they stepped out on it, and the wooden boards creaked noisily beneath their feet with each step.

They were about halfway across when a big ugly green creature crawled out from the underside of the bridge and hopped into the middle of it, barring their way. It had enormous pointy ears and large yellow eyes with slitted black pupils. Its skin was scaly and its face was covered in warts and lesions. Torn and ragged clothes caked in dirt and grime covered its body and a ripe musty odor wafted off of it.

"Well, well, well," it said as it licked its cracked lips with a slimy green tongue. "What have we here?"

"Excuse me, sir," Arthur said. "We're just some ordinary travelers and we'd like to get across this bridge."

"Well, I'm Ted the Troll and this is my bridge." The troll's eyes flitted back and forth between Arthur, Gretel, and Hamlet. "I didn't give you permission to cross and those who trespass on my bridge get eaten."

"Why does everything here try to eat you?" Arthur shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir. May we have permission to cross your bridge?"

"No," Ted the Troll said.

"Well, that's not very nice," Gretel pouted.

"I don't make the rules," Ted shrugged. "You don't get permission to cross, you get eaten. That's the way it goes."

"Actually, if it's your bridge, you do make the rules," Arthur said. "Why don't you bend them just this once and let us cross unharmed. Or, you know, just give us permission."

"I could do that," Ted rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "But I don't want to. So why don't you three line up in the order you would like to be eaten and we'll take it from there. I'll let you talk amongst yourselves and come to a decision." The troll took a step back, stuck his hands in his pockets, and started whistling.

"What are we going to do?" Hamlet asked. "I don't want to escape getting eaten by the wolf just to get eaten by this guy!"

"Me neither," Arthur rubbed his temples. "Wait a minute, how did they resolve this situation in the story? There were some farm animals or something. Sheep? No. Cows maybe? I wish I'd paid more attention to these things when my Nana was reading them to me. I just remember there were three of them and the biggest one just ran into the troll and shoved him into the water."

"There's three of us," Gretel said.

"And you're the biggest one," Hamlet pointed out.

"Right," Arthur said. "I guess that means it's up to me to knock this fool over. Would you mind holding my backpack for a second? And maybe my glasses?"

He turned around, cracked his knuckles, and took several deep breaths.

"Oh, are you volunteering to be eaten first?" Ted asked. "I kind of figured the other two were appetizers and you were the main course. I guess they will work just as well as dessert."

"Yaaaaahhhhh!" Arthur shouted as he charged at the troll as fast as he could. It felt like he ran straight into a brick wall. Ted didn't even budge an inch whereas Arthur bounced backwards several feet and collapsed in a heap on the bridge.

"Were you trying to fling yourself into my mouth?" Ted asked. "Sorry, I wasn't ready. Let me just unhinge my jaw and then you can go ahead and try that again." The troll's mouth opened impossibly wide, revealing rows upon rows of jagged yellow fangs.

Arthur saw several stars spinning around his head. He tried wishing on them that the troll would disappear and he could go home, but unfortunately nothing happened. "I really hope I give this guy a nasty tummy ache," he groaned as he resolved himself to his fate.

Then he felt the bridge shake as someone stepped on it behind them. Rolling over onto his stomach, he was able to look up and see a figure standing at the end of the bridge wearing a bright red cloak with a matching hood pulled up over the person's face.

"Hey, Ugly!" a feminine voice called. "Get out of the way. I want to cross this bridge. And my friends here will be going across with me."

"Oh yeah?" Ted asked as he pushed his mouth back into a closed position. "I didn't grant you permission to cross either, young lady. Looks like you're going to be the side dish for tonight's supper."

"Looks to me like you're going to be taking a dip in the river," the girl said.

"Is that so?" Ted sneered. "And how do you suppose you're going to make that happen?"

"I'm not going to," the girl said. "But my friends the billy goats gruff are." She stuck two fingers in her mouth and let out a shrill whistle.

Three goats emerged from the woods. All of them were large, but one of them was exceptionally big. They pawed at the dirt with their hooves before charging onto the bridge at full speed side by side. Arthur flinched as they approached but they leaped over him and his companions without slowing down. They slammed right into the troll's stomach with a loud thumping sound and it went tumbling head over heels over the side of the bridge. It disappeared into the raging current of the river and got swept away.

"Thanks, boys," the girl called out to the goats.

The biggest one winked at her, then joined his buddies as they trotted across the bridge to go munch on some grass on the other side.

"Thanks so much for saving our bacon, ma'am," Hamlet said to the girl.

"No problem," she said with a little bow. "That guy was a major dick."

"You're amazing!" Gretel said. "I'm Gretel. What's your name?"

"Well, actually, I go by a lot of different names," the girl said.

"Wait, I know who you are," Arthur said as he pulled himself back to his feet.

"You do?" The girl seemed to tense up a little.

He studied her for a moment. Her features were largely hidden by the cloak she wore, but she appeared to be in her mid-teens. A couple wisps of blonde hair poked out from beneath the hood. "You're Little Red Riding Hood! And you're on your way to your grandmother's house!"

"Oh," the girl said as she visibly relaxed. "That's me, all right. Little Red Riding Hood. At your service."

"Do you think we could travel with you to your grandmother's house?" Hamlet asked. "We need a place to hole up. The Big Bad Wolf is after us!"

"Uh, sure," Little Red Riding Hood said. "You can come. Grandmother loves having guests."

"Wait, I remember this story," Arthur said. "At least mostly. Better than I remembered the one about the goats anyway. The Big Bad Wolf is after her, too. He's going to go to your grandmother's house, eat her, and then dress in her clothes so he can eat you, too. It's a good thing I'm around to know what happens in these stories"

"Hey, I'm the one who told you about that," Gretel said.

"You did?" Arthur asked.

"Yeah, in the witch's cage," Gretel rolled her eyes. "Remember? I was telling you about how rude he was. Apparently he pulls this grandmother scheme a lot."

"What I want to know is how come he spares grandma's house?" Hamlet asked. "He's always blowing my houses down."

"Maybe grandma lets him in?" Gretel said. "The Wolf does ask you to let him in before he blows your house down."

"Hmm, you're right," Hamlet said. "So you're saying next time, I should just open the door for him and then run away? That would certainly save a lot of property damage."

"Look, I don't know who this Wolf guy is that you guys are talking about," Little Red Riding Hood said. "But if he tries to come to my grandmother's house and eat her, I will mess him up. That's a promise. Now are you guys coming with me, or what? Come on! Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go!"