falling [total drama island]

chapter two

There was a constant weight on my chest, and university was always adding to it.

I could easily skip if I wanted to, and give some sort of pathetic excuse, but if my parents ever found out I would be good as dead. I couldn't drop out of uni. As a psych student, psychology is all that I care about. 

The uni was out in the countryside of Muskoka, and it was incredibly prestigious. My parents care so much about my education that for majority of my teenage years I had no social life, and it was to 'protect me', but really it just added to my anxiety and people pleasing antics. Now I'm stuck in this shit-hole of a school. I know they were just trying their best, but some of it still hurts. I was robbed of my childhood, of the high school experience that everyone had but me. I'm not gonna let some eating disorder take away college life though. But it's a bit hard sometimes.

I've wanted affection for so long and gotten it but it had never warmed me in the way it should have. The love I received from my parents and family were different from the ones I received from my friends. And then because of that I always felt like I was falling, because I didn't know which one was real, which one was fake, whether they were both fake or both real.

Am I being selfish?

I'm so close to losing myself in this grainy pit of darkness and I'm standing on the ledge, waiting for something or someone to end it for me and push me in. And once I'm in, I don't see any way of coming back out.

Today I have English for three periods straight. God, kill me right now. I'm studying to be a psychologist, of course, but English is compulsory and I'm good at literature. If psychology doesn't work out for me then I'll surely make it into the writing industry. However, I'm far from pleasures that make me feel happy, but I know it'll be worth it one day to get out of the woods here. 

Courtney sent me a text that said she's outside my dorm building. I walk to the front gates and see her waiting. She smiles at me and waves. I give her a small smile because I love Courtney, and I see Duncan next to her. He's on his phone, and when I get into the back, he grunts a hello.

Courtney starts telling me about her upcoming test and how unprepared she is for it, and I don't even notice when I tune out her voice. The only thing I can hear is the muffled sound of the car tyres against the road and I watch the early morning moon, still faded in the blue sky, follow us as we go to class.

Court parks in the school parking lot, and as I get out she kisses Duncan goodbye and walks with me to my first class, which is science.

"You weren't listening to my rambling, were you?" Courtney asks. "I mean, I can't expect you to, you're still a bit shaken up."

"A bit?" I say. Courtney rolls her eyes but returns to look at me carefully as we walk through the door. She waits there with me until I get settled in. I sit down and look at her. "Can we just not talk about it today?" I say.

She nods. "Here," she says, and hands me a muesli bar. It has oats and honey in it. I stare at her blankly. 

"You know if I eat that I'm just gonna puke it all out later," I say. "I'm just gonna waste it. I'm not gonna keep it down, Court." Courtney puts it into a small space in my bag. "It's for later, if you ever get hungry. And I don't want you to starve, Noah, I want you to eat. Please, if you do eat it, try and keep it down. You've lost an ungodly amount of weight in the last few months." 

Have I?

I hadn't noticed. And I shouldn't notice it either, because if I do then that's just something else to hate and I'll become obsessed with it. I squeeze my eyes shut for two seconds, seeing all the colors fly behind my eyelids, and open them again. Courtney looks extremely distressed. She knows that in some way, she can't help me anymore, but she is trying just as much as I am.