Holding Onto You

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Trigger Warnings: Mentions of past suicide and self-harm

Josh Dun was alive. Despite everything, despite how much he wished he wasn't, Josh Dun was alive. But Tyler wasn't. And that still hurt, despite how many years it'd been.

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It had been three years since Josh Dun found his boyfriend lying in their bathtub with his wrists slit open, dying. And yet somehow, despite all the time that'd wormed its way between Josh and that horrid day, it lived fresh in his memory - as if he was still there in that moment, kicking the door in, rushing to Tylers side and pulling him into his own chest, desperate pleas for him to Please, please god just fucking wake up! transforming into incoherent screams as paramedics pulled him away.

Josh shuddered at that, turning back to the casserole he was eating, Tyler's mother sat across from him doing the same.

Life had gotten easier. Somehow, despite every voice in his head telling him otherwise, he was healing. Slowly. Tyler's mother still visited him weekly, and Josh still visited Tyler's grave whenever he could, which was most days. He still brought flowers, and he still wrote letters and he still cried his heart out, but he was healing.

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Josh had been seeing a therapist. Of course he had - nobody had expected anything otherwise. Still, it had taken months - almost a year even - of gentle prodding to coerce Josh into seeking professional help.

He received several diagnoses - Post-Traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder and major depressive disorder. None of this was shocking, of course, but it was helpful nonetheless. He began medications not long after, and Jim was registered as an emotional support animal.

There was blatant improvement in his life. Josh knew Tyler would be proud. He knew that wherever he may be, Tyler is proud. He smiled.

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Despite how much better he was really doing, that didn't stop the bad days. It didn't completely stop the panic attacks and the depressive episodes, and it didn't completely stop the self-hatred and the blame. It didn't stop Josh from drinking himself into a near comatose state on the anniversary of Tyler's death every year. But he was healing. And somewhere, Tyler smiled at that.