Would You Rather

43 - WYR: grad school or med school (reprise, reprise)

FINLEY

12/20

Things I think I need to change

Set up specific times to go to bed//wake up so I don't undersleep as much as I usually do

Schedule out specific times of the day to sit and rest

Should probably stop using birth control to skip periods because they're inconvenient. That's generally frowned on.

Gym time = gym time. No studying on the treadmill anymore

More time with my friends - new class friends?

Should probably rethink med/grad school.

It's the last bullet point that I think about for days. I think about it driving back and forth into Weyburn to get whatever ingredient my Dad lost for holiday cookies. I think about it while watching the cows mill around in the barn. I think about it while I'm supposed to be playing Dani in cards. I think about it while watching Laney and Brodie interact in the kitchen. I think about it sitting in my room.

And then I find myself standing in the living room, looking down at a cookie, the stockings hung just perfect, my parents hanging out together, Dani and Brodie in the kitchen and I sort of just say it.

"I think I'm going to take a gap year."

They all look over at me.

"Now?" My dad asks.

"Well, sort of." I flip the cookie over in my hand. "Between now and med school."

My parents look at each other like they're trying to decide whether or not to be worried. My mom is the one that pitches it: "Why, hon? I thought the plan was always one after another so it didn't take too long."

I swallow. "Well... um. I sort of have come to the conclusion that I'm not... really..." I don't know what the conclusion is. I know that the current conclusion is that I didn't prepare enough for this conversation. "I think the last four years have been a lot on my mental health and spending a year more before starting med school would help... recenter me. I sort of lost track of myself in the whole thing."

"Have you thought this through? Talked to your advisor? Will the med schools you get into allow you to do this?"

I shake my head, "haven't prepped this at all, actually."

"Oh."

"I just think that I need a bit of time, you know?" I think over the next few words. "I think I've been overcome with... everything for the last few years that I really haven't had time to be twenty, you know? I don't want to waste all that time in my life being in med school."

My mom is looking increasingly concerned. "So you're... you don't want to go to med school?"

"No, I do," I stop, explaining. "I just think that I need some time to decide what I actually want to do outside of medical school. I... I want to continue my research and all that, which isn't exactly in line with residency and then becoming a doctor. I want to do the science behind it, I think."

They're looking at me weird and I suppose it makes sense. I'm the first person in my family to go to college. They don't know what I'm talking about.

"But I think I need time."

"To... do what?" My dad has really been on team-doctor the whole time through. He thinks it's mostly pointless to go to college unless you're going to become something that you can't be without college. Doctor. Engineer. Law.