TRANSFER. | PAIGE BUECKERS.

01.

the first time i picked up a camera was in the eight grade. i recently bought it to document my summer. i remember being infatuated with it, running my thumb across the buttons that never pressed down as easily as i wished they would. the black exterior is burned in my brain. i could probably tell you every feature off that shitty cannon camera. in a matter of weeks, i filled up 4 storage cards. it was stupid stuff, like me practicing in my dance studio and me talking about nothing for hours. after my mom nagged me about the prices, i became more selective about what my camera saw. i brought it everywhere, but most importantly, to the beach.

i'm from florida, where beach trips are more common than seeing tourists. i would document the water flowing on my tan skin and my parents dancing in the sand. my mom looked like a goddess. the sun setting right behind her, the wind manipulating the direction her dirty blonde hair moved. my dad's beautiful melanin skin glowed under the dim light from my camera. their hands interlinking to the faint music from a bar on the shore, bodies swaying slowly. it was perfect. i fell in love with capturing the vulnerable moments we shared.

the start of my ninth grade year, dancing turned into arguments, and instead of smiles and laughter, the camera caught the aftermath of my father's infidelity. as an only child i was awkward and never made friends easily. i only talked to my camera about my feelings. i only showed the camera the moving boxes. the janky u-haul that carried 13 years of memories that was now heavy with fear.

i moved with my mom after a lengthy custody battle. she chose connecticut, where her extended family resided. connecticut was where i learned how to talk to people. close knit and safe, my high school became my favorite place in the world. my teachers were informative and funny. the campus was huge and happy. i met my best friends and continued dancing at studio that i would spend all my extra time at, filling the absence of my dad's presence with eight counts. i became extroverted and independent. i pushed my camera to the side until my junior year.

i became my high school dance team's captain when i was junior, and picked up my camera again strictly for the purpose of critiquing my technique when i wasn't able to meet with my coaches. i remembered the girl i was in those videos. i remembered how she felt. she was not me. i was not ready to see her. the look in her eyes as the tape was put over the cardboard boxes. the muffled screaming of her parents as she talked about her day. the guilt she felt. i was not ready to connect with her. so for that year, i did not acknowledge the girl that lived in the same exact storage card.

she visited me one night during the summer when i clicked back just one video too far. her messy curly hair and her teary eyes jumped onto my screen. my chest was hot and tight. watch it. my mind screamed. watch her. my throat started to ache as i clicked the play button that i was all too familiar with. i watched all 6 minutes of my 13 year old self sobbing. my favorite pink top stained with mascara and tear stains. i barely got any words out, before abruptly cutting off the camera. my thumb touching the same exact button that it sits at now. i was shaken up for 3 days. i watched every video on the camera.

i did not eat. i barely slept. i did not text my friends. my mom became worried. my step dad offered therapy. my dad remained silent. i missed dance classes. i was depressed that summer, refusing help from anyone who offered. the only thing i did was dance, from when i woke up to when i fell asleep. i got really good. when i felt like i was ready, my shaky hands pressed the record button on my cannon. i backed up. my feet pressing on the cold ground created an echo in the empty studio. i began to dance, doing exactly what i used to. i like to think it wasn't me dancing, it was her. little sloane in her kitchen. after i was done, i did exactly what i always wanted to. i posted it. i wanted people to hear me. you can only spend so much time silent.

i was heard. the video accumulated 3 million views in its first 4 months of being uploaded. i gained a following on all of my social media platforms. i started making videos regularly, slowly including different types of content. my entire senior year can be found on youtube. i was contacted by many different brands, and my dad, for the first time in 3 years. he remains unanswered.

after a couple months, i was recommended to an agency, where i now have a manager who helps me post and remain relevant in the social eye. it's not hard, though, as my following has stayed loyal. by the end of my senior year, i had gotten over 5 million followers across all of my platforms, my college was payed for, and my mom was happy again. life seemed great, until i got into ucla.

i attended ucla for a semester and quickly realized i hated influencers and missed my friends. georgia, my best friend, was now on uconn's dance team. rosslyn was a happy sorority girl, ardin majored in photography. the choice was clear. i had to go to uconn. it was a shock to my fan base when i transferred during the second semester, and even more of a shock that i had joined the uconn dance team after a virtual tryout.

as i sit here in my dorm with rosslyn and georgia, listening to songs and catching up for the first time in half a year, i feel content. i feel at peace, and though life is not perfect it's what i need it to be. we lay under our comforter and watch the movies that used to be on repeat during our sleepovers. i missed home. i missed connecticut. i missed how sleepy the city was in the early mornings. how loud it was during weekends. the weather. the people. the food. i missed it all.

the weekend before classes start couldn't be more perfect. life seems to take perfect from me, but my grip will be more firm this time.

my life will stay this way.

i will stay this way.

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authors note:
really wanted the first chapter to serve as a background on the main character! the chapters to come will be way longer, pinky promise.

playlist for chapter two:
lose my breath - destiny's child.