TRANSFER. | PAIGE BUECKERS.

09.

it's hard to perform at the best of your abilities when a person you care about is watching you. most people would think it's the opposite, the admiration fueling you. it doesn't really matter who it is, it's hard for me to enjoy the uncomfortable and unusual feeling of being watched. i've had eyes on me and my technique for a long time and if it were an interview i'd tell you that it's what made me better. it's partially true. but alone at night, when my roommate is snoring and all the bars are closed, the sound of my jazz shoes squeaking comes out of my macbook speakers and critiques flood into my mind. i watch my old videos more than i care to admit when i can't sleep. any dancing post i'm tagged in, i obsess over for days. i notice everything wrong and my worst fear is other people noticing. knowing the things i know. thinking the things i think. my worst fear comes true every day, multiple times a day, from people all over. people i don't know. it's easier to get over it and let it go when i can turn it off because there's no connection. but that's the problem now. there's connection here, just a couple feet away, staring at me with her blue eyes and long hair that she's put up into a bun. that's scary.

"up up up! get your legs up!" i hear kristy yell over the blaring music. she's unusually mean today. one, two, three and four and i repeat under my breath. i can hardly breathe. seven, eight.

"sloane go a little higher on the releve! i need you really straight!"  i smirk. straight. right. i look over at the stands, paige has her mouth covered. i try not to laugh as the song finishes. the room is silent as it is after every rep, hearing only the girls panting beside me.

"do you guys care that we have a game in a few days?" kristy asks calmly, "like, at all?" we stay silent, but our eyes are glued to her. "georgia, when i tell you to straighten your leg on your grand jete, that doesn't mean do it when you want to. that means do it now. you've been so sloppy. do you understand?"

"yes ma'am" georgia whispers. her face is flustered, and to be honest, we all are after that. georgia is a gorgeous performer with such a special eye for detail. her moves are precise and she moves with meaning and passion. if kristy feels that about georgia, how does she feel about me?  my stomach turns as this one comment starts a domino effect, kristy commenting on all of the girls. some positive, most negative. i glance up at paige, who is watching kristy just as intensely as we are. she looks flustered too and in some odd way i find that sweet.

"sloane" kristy snaps me out of my thoughts, and i feel my face become warm. "you have the best technique on this team. is it perfect? far from it. is it breathtaking? yes. there is nobody here who comes close to your precision. i need you to act like it. you are messing it up for yourself and for your teammates."

i'm shocked by her words, flattered but also hurt. "yes ma'am. i will do better"

"i expect it" kristy moves to olivia, who faces kristy without and ounce of fear. she looks strong like a captain should be. i hate the way she acts towards me, but her leadership is something i can only hope to replicate one day. "why are you point, olivia? why are you the first face people see?"

"because i worked hard and i earned it". she responds almost instantly. the eye contact between them is enough to make me shudder.

"you danced like a rookie". kristy states plainly. this gets the slightest eyebrow twitch out of olivia. "earn it again. sloane, come here, stand by her. the rest of you, bleachers. watch. judge. choose." i feel like a deer in headlights. everybody moves, clustering together on the stands. georgia touches my back.

"perform." she whispers. "give that bitch a run for her money." i look over at paige, who gives me a half smile and a thumbs up. i know that this moment will set the trajectory of how i'm viewed for the rest of the year. dance is just like that. i feel a purpose behind my dancing that's bigger than just a couple videos on the internet. i want paige to watch me. i want kristy to need me. i want olivia to hate me. i want my team to see me and not my year.