WHY THEY LEFT (#Wattys2015)

23. Drowning In Your Dreams

Rosalie
Halo by Lewis Watson

It wasn't exactly that I felt asleep- I had never felt so awake- but I felt like I was dreaming. This was all one big, intricate dream. I was dreaming as I shook my head no. I had to have been.

That was one more thing to shake my head no at. I was not dreaming in the slightest,  yet drowning in this dream all the same. No, no, not this dream but this nightmare. Who the hell was I?

"Rosalie, who was that distasteful boy?" Mothers voice had a certain prejudice to it- that same I'm-better-than-you tone her voice constantly carried. I was going to sigh, I sigh often, but I realized I wasn't breathing.

My heart pounded so rapidly against my chest I thought I would crack a rib or maybe rupture my heart. That didn't honestly seem like a bad outcome at the time though. Though my heart hammered on, my lungs ceased to contract- frozen in a state of 'I have no idea who I am'. Black swirling spots of darkness began patterning themselves across my vision and I decided oxygen was now incredibly necessary. Inhale. I turned on my heal and bolted up the stairs. Exhale.

I reached the top. Inhale. My lungs seemed to pick up on the gist then, beginning to preform that laborious process somewhat on their own. Sadly, that left more of my mind to focus on what I had just done.

I felt like the most atrocious human to trod Earth, but I didn't feel my emotions, I was focusing on Danny's. How was he feeling? Why do my emotions matter? He's the one who should feel extremely hurt.

My heart then did more than pound- so loudly it echoed in my ears and so hard it sent waved through my body- it ached. A pure, pain ridden ache I assume one would feel when they lost a family member or something. I hurt all over, but not for myself. For Danny.

Does he know? What did he have to say?  Did he find out I love him? Why was he there? Why did I shake my head?

I closed the door to my bedroom after slipping in and made up my mind, a plan being recited in my head, feeling rather resolute. He knows, I decided, and I will go and talk to him. I pulled off my sweats and changed into a pair of distressed shorts and a grey tank top that said NYC in white letters on it. I slipped on sandals and pushed my phone into my pocket.

I was going to go talk to him.

I darted down the stairs, and through the living room. "Where are you going?" Both Buckley and mother asked.

"I'll be back soon." I responded. Not the answer to the question but it was an answer nonetheless. I snatched up the Bentley keys and rushed out of the door. Rain came down in sheets- varying in heaviness. I didn't care; it's not like I had makeup on to mess up and my hair was already a little frizzy anyways. I still looked nice. The Bentley was conveniently unlocked so I ducked in quickly.

I was beyond jittery, planning out what I would say to Danny. I could still see the light leave his eyes when I shook my head, knowing the color left my face. I felt awful but I just thought of Danny touching me, being intimate with me, and thought of how much disapproval my mother would hold. Not like I cared but more disapproval wasn't really something I wanted. I was feeling afraid but how could I love someone if I feared them even touching me?

The whole drive over I was working myself up to just walk in and say exactly what I wanted. That I was sorry. That I love him. That I never meant to hurt him. But I guess we both had an out of character moments- him kissing me that night in a totally weird, non-Danny way and me shaking my head no.

But I knew him, on some level at least. It was enough to say I loved him. Right?

I pulled up to his house but sat in my car for a long while. All curtains were drawn back, no lights on. The only way I knew he was home was from the car in his drive way. It might've looked shitty but I gave it the benefit of the doubt- it wasn't shitty, it had character.

My stomach was in knots so tight I thought I would double over and die. I smeared a bit of lip gloss on my lips- my favorite pink one that made my lips look plump- and tucked my hair behind my ears. I felt ready.... Sort of. As ready as one could feel in this situation.

The feeling that I was floating in a world of dreams evaporated into the summer air, leaving me in a whirl of cold reality. I'm sure it was a decent temperature but I had ice in my veins. It was a cold sensation of straight fear. A fear that Danny would slam the door in my face. That he wouldn't understand. He had to understand. I could convince him.

Or so I told myself as I jaunted up the front porch steps and knocked gingerly on the front door. I heard the resonating noise of each soft knock echo through his house. There was a small muffled noise- distant and faint- then there was nothing but my knocks, the hollow bouncing sound of my knuckles tapping  the wood. I knocked once more hearing another sound. It was a small shift. One would have mistaken it as wind if they hadn't known the noise they were looking for. I knew what I was looking for, he was right by the door. I could just feel it. That subtle shift- that tiny noise- was my proof.

"Danny, I know you're in there. Open up and let me explain-" I had been pounding my hand against the door, yelling my words equally as loud. Before I could add more, the door rushed open and Danny grasped my hand mid knock, locking my tiny fist in his intense grip. It hurt but I couldn't speak. I had everything I wanted to say all planned out but standing there with Danny staring at me, I couldn't say a single word.

I was too focused on the anger in his eyes. He was dressed like he had just gotten off of work, his hair tussled and shirt dirty, hands smudged with oil and grime. Yet, he smelled less like an auto shop and more like a cheap liquor store. His eyes were painfully full of anger, but that was expected. His grip tightened but that only made harder for me to even attempt at speaking.

"What do you want." Danny said it flatly, no question in his voice. It was a statement as flat as the edge of a knife and as sharp as it too. Tears started to burn in my throat but I struggled to push them down. I didn't have the right to cry.

"I wanted to apologize, Danny." I tried to look back at him softly but it was the equivalent of getting punched every time I met his gaze. He let out a mocking, disgusted noise from the back of his throat and dropped my hand. I stumbled back, clutching my hand but ignoring the pain I felt. "I wanted to explain that-" he interrupted.

"What?" He spat," explain that you didn't mean to shake your head? To say you didn't know me?" Danny face contorted in anger, leaving him looking more pissed off then before. "I don't know why I even came over there," he pushed his fingers through his hair. "Just leave. You don't even know me." He turned and slammed the door hard. The slam rang out in the air, echoing out into the distance.

"Danny, I'm sorry!" I yelled. He probably couldn't hear me. His pounding foot steps had faded. I still felt that I needed to say it. That maybe he could hear me. I stepped backwards down the first step as his words sunk in.

You don't even know me.

Then just like that, it all went back to feeling like a dream. Like this was all happening to someone else and I was just watching and feeling the pain. What was I expecting? For him to kiss me and tell me that I was forgiven and that he loved me back?

But that wouldn't have been reality. I needed to wake up and face that.

-Parker

This chapter is dedicated to @SageHope Next chapter is dedicated to a random voter. Vote for your chance! Thanks for reading.